"Why Have An Affair?"

"What kind of question is that?", you may ask.  After all, we live in a society which endorses monogamy as the gold standard for adult intimate relationships.  And most of us, at some point, exchange vows with another in which we promise to "forsake all others".

But the fact remains that, in spite of love for a partner and commitment to that person, many of us, somewhere along the line, get involved with a third party.  It goes without saying that, for most betrayed individuals, knowledge of your spouse's extramarital relationship is devastating.  As a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues and affair recovery, the word "devastated" is the one I hear most frequently as someone struggles with discovery of his or her spouse's infidelity.

In my book, "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" (Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Books), I address the complicated question of what drives someone to cheat on a spouse--whether the affair is sexual, emotional--or, as frequently happens, some combination of both.  Let me say up front that those of us who study and treat infidelity use different categorizations for the factors that propel affairs.  Roughly, I tend to break these factors down into opportunity, the culture in which we live and work, personality traits, and even characteristics of one's marriage.  This last factor is a bit dicey, as an affair is never the "fault" of a betrayed spouse, and an unsatisfying marriage is never an excuse for an affair.

Opportunity can be something as simple as meeting someone while traveling on business and engaging in a "one-night stand, no strings attached".  Of course, a mixed-sex workplace can also be rife with opportunities for developing relationships that violate appropriate professional boundaries.  And, sadly, it's a fact that most affairs begin in the workplace.

The effects of culture on monogamy tend to operate on both the macro and the micro levels.  On the macro level, the media bombards us with images of infidelity and news of one or another celebrity's or politician's affair.  Movies and prime-time television are often themed around illicit relationships.  On the micro level, family history and the habits and attitudes of one's cohorts can contribute to a propensity to engage in affairs.  If dad or a brother has had an affair (or several), or if one's friends frequent strip clubs or engage in extramarital relationships, those behaviors can normalize the idea that "It's OK to get a little something on the side".

Certain personality types may also be predisposed to engage in affairs.  For example, a narcissistic individual may feel entitled to extra attention, in both the sexual and emotional realms.  And because narcissists tend to be lacking in empathy, they may also fail to see the impact of their extramarital behaviors on a spouse or partner.  Another personality type that may be somewhat prone to engaging in an affair is the highly dependent individual.  Particularly if they have doubts about a partner's opinion of them or value of them as a person, they may find an affair a way to validate their sense of self-worth, at least temporarily.

Finally, while it's important to reiterate that a troubled marriage never excuses an affair, especially in the age of no-fault divorce, an unsatisfying marriage can possibly make someone more vulnerable to looking for validation outside the marriage.  This is a very complicated topic, to be addressed in a future post, but suffice it to say for now that someone can be ambivalent about his marriage.  He will vigorously maintain in therapy that he loves his wife and certainly doesn't want to lose access to his children.  But, with intense examination over time, he admits that something was lacking in his marriage and family life.  Again, this is not an excuse for engaging in an affair, but it is reality.

On an added note, there are psychologists and sociologists who argue that, biologically speaking, we are not hard-wire for monogamy, and that our increasing lifespan actually compounds this propensity toward infidelity.  These are fascinating topics which academics are currently researching and which hopefully will in time add perspective to the compelling subject of infidelity.  These questions will also be addressed in future posts.

*My use of the pronouns "he" and "she" in no way implies that only one gender engage in a particular type of behavior.  It's largely a literary device used to maintain balance, but also does, to some extent, reflect what I typically hear in my practice.