"Your Lover's Past"

A dear friend recently asked whether it was appropriate to ask about his partner's past romantic involvements.  I asked him to give me a bit of time to ponder that question, as it's somewhat tricky.   I've seen couples come to grief with each other because they refused to share information, or because they did, and it turned out the partner couldn't handle what they learned.

It's perfectly natural to be curious about other people our partners have been involved with.  We wonder about the nature of those relationships.  Were they sexual?  If so, how did they compare to what we do with our partner now?  How emotionally committed were they?  What was the nature of the attraction, and what brought about the end of the relationship?  Our curiosity knows no bounds when it comes to wanting to understand our partners.

Some couples are quite open in this area, and readily share information about past relationships.  On the other hand, I have had couples come into marital therapy and reveal previous marriages that a current spouse had no clue about.  Needless to say, the future of that marriage rests on shaky ground.  After all, the foundation of a secure and satisfying marriage/relationship is trust.  To learn that your spouse or partner has had one or more committed relationships that were never revealed to you undermines that trust.

Think carefully about what you want or need to know.  Clearly, if your partner has been married before, you probably need to know the circumstances surrounding those relationships and the divorces that ended the marriages.  Was there physical or extreme emotional abuse involved?  You also need to be aware of arrangements made regarding minor children, visitation, and asset division.  These issues can affect you directly, and so you should have no hesitation having honest and detailed conversations with your partner about them.

But how much do you need to know regarding your partner's sex life, for example, with a previous spouse?  Do you need to know how often they had sex and what activities they engaged in?  What do you need to know about their shared interests and how much time they spent pursuing them?  There is no single formula regarding these questions.  You and your partner need to jointly decide what you want to share, and how the shared information might enhance or damage your relationship.

For instance, how much do you need to know about the threesome your husband had during a frat party?  How do the images of that night benefit you and your marriage now?  After all, you didn't even know him at that time.  And how does it enhance your marriage for your husband to have details about boys you attended your proms and other events with during high school?

Unless we are currently in relationships that began during or shortly after high school, the likelihood is that we've had some sort of relationship with one or more other people during our adult lives.   This is especially true if either of us has been married before.  The challenge becomes accepting that our partner was an adult who had a life before they met and committed to us, and that their history isn't a threat to us, but rather part of their life narrative.