"The Pile of Clothes"
In my professional life, I have a general adult psychotherapy practice. What this means is that I work only with people over 18 years of age; I treat issues ranging from depression to anxiety, to obsessive-compulsive disorder, to eating disorders, to posttraumatic stress disorder, sexual dysfunction, and more.
The bulk of my work falls in the category of "relationship issues". (My specialty is infidelity, but that's another story.) In other words, I do a lot of couples and marital therapy. Now, couples come into therapy with a vast range of concerns, but, after a certain amount of time together, husband and wife may simply become disgruntled with each other and their idiosyncracies. I sometimes call this the "pile of clothes" syndrome.
When we're just starting out in a relationship, we tend to be much more tolerant of someone's peculiarities and annoyances, whether it's being consistently late, being a finicky eater, or simply depositing one's "stuff" around the house. This can be piles of mail (I confess to a bit of this), or the proverbial "pile of clothes". I can't count the times I've heard from women "He just drops his clothes on the floor and they pile up for an entire week. He'll even just drop them right in front of the clothes hamper."
Well, there are different ways to respond to this irritant. One, of course, is to repeatedly complain to your spouse or partner. Clinical experience, however, suggests that this approach accomplishes very little. Your spouse may or may not change his behavior in response to your nagging--for a time. Another approach is to become the "clothes martyr". What this means is that you decide it's your job to manage the clothes pile, but you do it with deep and audible sighs, and you suffer largely in silence. Of course, you can always try the rational approach of explaining to your spouse why the clothes pile is a problem; but he or she may simply not agree that it is. It's not a problem to him. If it were, he'd likely do something about it.
Finally, one option is to reconsider what that pile of clothes signifies. Yes, it may be unsightly and may "spoil" your otherwise spotless and tidy house. Yes, it may signify to you that you haven't adequately "trained" your spouse. One other way to think about that mound of clothes is that it signifies something other than messiness or disregard for your feelings. As long as the pile is there--and continues to grow, within reasonable limits--your beloved is alive and well. He'll return home from work, change his clothes, and add to the pile. It's when you lose a loved one, whether through death or divorce, that the pile disappears forever. And that can be a very lonely way to live. So, some measure of acceptance of a spouse's foibles and annoying habits can help to orient us to what we really value in life and what we really don't want to lose.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
"Traditions"
A few years ago, after a serious health scare, my husband and I decided to cross off one of the items on our marital bucket list. We bought a motor home and determined to hit the road when our demanding schedules permitted, as we both work full time. This motor home still takes my breath away with its beautiful appointments and range of features. You could very comfortably live in it, if you became what's known in the RV community as "full timers".
I had never imagined myself as an RV type of person until we started putting ours to good use. We are fortunate to be within 20 minutes or so of a lake which offers lots of great opportunities for recreation and relaxation. On some of our earliest trips, I knitted scarves, made beaded and sterling earrings, read, and sometimes just studied the details of the surrounding forest from the comfort of my chair. My husband read, tied flies for fishing, and enjoyed an occasional cigar. We bobbed along the shore in our float tubes and discovered our dogs' extreme love of swimming. And, of course, we talked for hours on end.
After I signed my book contract ("The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity"), the early morning hours--when I relish solitude and silence--were devoted to writing. In fact, I'm writing this post while we're parked by a gorgeous lake in the North Georgia mountains. Our getaways are my perfect backdrop for contemplation and composition, before the activities of the day get underway.
About three years ago, we started making an annual pre-Thanksgiving trek with some dear friends to a North Georgia park graced with a spectacular waterfall and gorge. These folks live a mere 15 to 20 minutes from us, but ironically the demands and pace of everyday life seem to prevent us from getting together more than once every few months. Since that first trip together, we've made it a point to create a valued annual tradition.
We've explored other campgrounds, but the format for the weekend is pretty much the same. Time spent getting the RV ready to use, unpacking food, sheets and towels, and getting something defrosted for the evening's dinner. There's casual conversation as we go in and out of the motor home and see our neighbors similarly involved in their set-up tasks.
Finally, it's time to relax and spend time together. The men may enjoy a cigar and we may share some wine. Last night, as the sun was going down, we built a roaring fire in the campground firepit. The dogs surveyed nearby campers and their dogs. People occasionally stroll onto your site and ask about the dogs, or where you're from, or whether you've been to this campground before.
Dinner is usually served on the picnic table on one of the two sites. Lights are strung up, and the campground comes alive with the sounds of laughter, conversation, and music. Soon the smell of food grilling perfumes the air and mingles with the smoke of the campfires. After dinner and cleanup, we all return to our places around the campfire and devote ourselves fully to enjoying companionship and the break from our routines.
As traditions go, this annual trek is fairly simple--no plane or hotel reservations, no concerns about wardrobe (other than staying warm). But it's treasured and eagerly anticipated time together with some of our closest friends, and an invaluable reminder of what really matters in this life. Like the changing color of the leaves in the fall, it's a foretaste of the true meaning of Thanksgiving and our expressed gratitude for the blessings of love and friendship.
A few years ago, after a serious health scare, my husband and I decided to cross off one of the items on our marital bucket list. We bought a motor home and determined to hit the road when our demanding schedules permitted, as we both work full time. This motor home still takes my breath away with its beautiful appointments and range of features. You could very comfortably live in it, if you became what's known in the RV community as "full timers".
I had never imagined myself as an RV type of person until we started putting ours to good use. We are fortunate to be within 20 minutes or so of a lake which offers lots of great opportunities for recreation and relaxation. On some of our earliest trips, I knitted scarves, made beaded and sterling earrings, read, and sometimes just studied the details of the surrounding forest from the comfort of my chair. My husband read, tied flies for fishing, and enjoyed an occasional cigar. We bobbed along the shore in our float tubes and discovered our dogs' extreme love of swimming. And, of course, we talked for hours on end.
After I signed my book contract ("The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity"), the early morning hours--when I relish solitude and silence--were devoted to writing. In fact, I'm writing this post while we're parked by a gorgeous lake in the North Georgia mountains. Our getaways are my perfect backdrop for contemplation and composition, before the activities of the day get underway.
About three years ago, we started making an annual pre-Thanksgiving trek with some dear friends to a North Georgia park graced with a spectacular waterfall and gorge. These folks live a mere 15 to 20 minutes from us, but ironically the demands and pace of everyday life seem to prevent us from getting together more than once every few months. Since that first trip together, we've made it a point to create a valued annual tradition.
We've explored other campgrounds, but the format for the weekend is pretty much the same. Time spent getting the RV ready to use, unpacking food, sheets and towels, and getting something defrosted for the evening's dinner. There's casual conversation as we go in and out of the motor home and see our neighbors similarly involved in their set-up tasks.
Finally, it's time to relax and spend time together. The men may enjoy a cigar and we may share some wine. Last night, as the sun was going down, we built a roaring fire in the campground firepit. The dogs surveyed nearby campers and their dogs. People occasionally stroll onto your site and ask about the dogs, or where you're from, or whether you've been to this campground before.
Dinner is usually served on the picnic table on one of the two sites. Lights are strung up, and the campground comes alive with the sounds of laughter, conversation, and music. Soon the smell of food grilling perfumes the air and mingles with the smoke of the campfires. After dinner and cleanup, we all return to our places around the campfire and devote ourselves fully to enjoying companionship and the break from our routines.
As traditions go, this annual trek is fairly simple--no plane or hotel reservations, no concerns about wardrobe (other than staying warm). But it's treasured and eagerly anticipated time together with some of our closest friends, and an invaluable reminder of what really matters in this life. Like the changing color of the leaves in the fall, it's a foretaste of the true meaning of Thanksgiving and our expressed gratitude for the blessings of love and friendship.
"Why Have An Affair?"
"What kind of question is that?", you may ask. After all, we live in a society which endorses monogamy as the gold standard for adult intimate relationships. And most of us, at some point, exchange vows with another in which we promise to "forsake all others".
But the fact remains that, in spite of love for a partner and commitment to that person, many of us, somewhere along the line, get involved with a third party. It goes without saying that, for most betrayed individuals, knowledge of your spouse's extramarital relationship is devastating. As a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues and affair recovery, the word "devastated" is the one I hear most frequently as someone struggles with discovery of his or her spouse's infidelity.
In my book, "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" (Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Books), I address the complicated question of what drives someone to cheat on a spouse--whether the affair is sexual, emotional--or, as frequently happens, some combination of both. Let me say up front that those of us who study and treat infidelity use different categorizations for the factors that propel affairs. Roughly, I tend to break these factors down into opportunity, the culture in which we live and work, personality traits, and even characteristics of one's marriage. This last factor is a bit dicey, as an affair is never the "fault" of a betrayed spouse, and an unsatisfying marriage is never an excuse for an affair.
Opportunity can be something as simple as meeting someone while traveling on business and engaging in a "one-night stand, no strings attached". Of course, a mixed-sex workplace can also be rife with opportunities for developing relationships that violate appropriate professional boundaries. And, sadly, it's a fact that most affairs begin in the workplace.
The effects of culture on monogamy tend to operate on both the macro and the micro levels. On the macro level, the media bombards us with images of infidelity and news of one or another celebrity's or politician's affair. Movies and prime-time television are often themed around illicit relationships. On the micro level, family history and the habits and attitudes of one's cohorts can contribute to a propensity to engage in affairs. If dad or a brother has had an affair (or several), or if one's friends frequent strip clubs or engage in extramarital relationships, those behaviors can normalize the idea that "It's OK to get a little something on the side".
Certain personality types may also be predisposed to engage in affairs. For example, a narcissistic individual may feel entitled to extra attention, in both the sexual and emotional realms. And because narcissists tend to be lacking in empathy, they may also fail to see the impact of their extramarital behaviors on a spouse or partner. Another personality type that may be somewhat prone to engaging in an affair is the highly dependent individual. Particularly if they have doubts about a partner's opinion of them or value of them as a person, they may find an affair a way to validate their sense of self-worth, at least temporarily.
Finally, while it's important to reiterate that a troubled marriage never excuses an affair, especially in the age of no-fault divorce, an unsatisfying marriage can possibly make someone more vulnerable to looking for validation outside the marriage. This is a very complicated topic, to be addressed in a future post, but suffice it to say for now that someone can be ambivalent about his marriage. He will vigorously maintain in therapy that he loves his wife and certainly doesn't want to lose access to his children. But, with intense examination over time, he admits that something was lacking in his marriage and family life. Again, this is not an excuse for engaging in an affair, but it is reality.
On an added note, there are psychologists and sociologists who argue that, biologically speaking, we are not hard-wire for monogamy, and that our increasing lifespan actually compounds this propensity toward infidelity. These are fascinating topics which academics are currently researching and which hopefully will in time add perspective to the compelling subject of infidelity. These questions will also be addressed in future posts.
*My use of the pronouns "he" and "she" in no way implies that only one gender engage in a particular type of behavior. It's largely a literary device used to maintain balance, but also does, to some extent, reflect what I typically hear in my practice.
"What kind of question is that?", you may ask. After all, we live in a society which endorses monogamy as the gold standard for adult intimate relationships. And most of us, at some point, exchange vows with another in which we promise to "forsake all others".
But the fact remains that, in spite of love for a partner and commitment to that person, many of us, somewhere along the line, get involved with a third party. It goes without saying that, for most betrayed individuals, knowledge of your spouse's extramarital relationship is devastating. As a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues and affair recovery, the word "devastated" is the one I hear most frequently as someone struggles with discovery of his or her spouse's infidelity.
In my book, "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" (Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Books), I address the complicated question of what drives someone to cheat on a spouse--whether the affair is sexual, emotional--or, as frequently happens, some combination of both. Let me say up front that those of us who study and treat infidelity use different categorizations for the factors that propel affairs. Roughly, I tend to break these factors down into opportunity, the culture in which we live and work, personality traits, and even characteristics of one's marriage. This last factor is a bit dicey, as an affair is never the "fault" of a betrayed spouse, and an unsatisfying marriage is never an excuse for an affair.
Opportunity can be something as simple as meeting someone while traveling on business and engaging in a "one-night stand, no strings attached". Of course, a mixed-sex workplace can also be rife with opportunities for developing relationships that violate appropriate professional boundaries. And, sadly, it's a fact that most affairs begin in the workplace.
The effects of culture on monogamy tend to operate on both the macro and the micro levels. On the macro level, the media bombards us with images of infidelity and news of one or another celebrity's or politician's affair. Movies and prime-time television are often themed around illicit relationships. On the micro level, family history and the habits and attitudes of one's cohorts can contribute to a propensity to engage in affairs. If dad or a brother has had an affair (or several), or if one's friends frequent strip clubs or engage in extramarital relationships, those behaviors can normalize the idea that "It's OK to get a little something on the side".
Certain personality types may also be predisposed to engage in affairs. For example, a narcissistic individual may feel entitled to extra attention, in both the sexual and emotional realms. And because narcissists tend to be lacking in empathy, they may also fail to see the impact of their extramarital behaviors on a spouse or partner. Another personality type that may be somewhat prone to engaging in an affair is the highly dependent individual. Particularly if they have doubts about a partner's opinion of them or value of them as a person, they may find an affair a way to validate their sense of self-worth, at least temporarily.
Finally, while it's important to reiterate that a troubled marriage never excuses an affair, especially in the age of no-fault divorce, an unsatisfying marriage can possibly make someone more vulnerable to looking for validation outside the marriage. This is a very complicated topic, to be addressed in a future post, but suffice it to say for now that someone can be ambivalent about his marriage. He will vigorously maintain in therapy that he loves his wife and certainly doesn't want to lose access to his children. But, with intense examination over time, he admits that something was lacking in his marriage and family life. Again, this is not an excuse for engaging in an affair, but it is reality.
On an added note, there are psychologists and sociologists who argue that, biologically speaking, we are not hard-wire for monogamy, and that our increasing lifespan actually compounds this propensity toward infidelity. These are fascinating topics which academics are currently researching and which hopefully will in time add perspective to the compelling subject of infidelity. These questions will also be addressed in future posts.
*My use of the pronouns "he" and "she" in no way implies that only one gender engage in a particular type of behavior. It's largely a literary device used to maintain balance, but also does, to some extent, reflect what I typically hear in my practice.
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