The Perfect Couple

I'll never forget that day. The stay-at-home mom of an infant and a toddler, I was part of a small, but vital network of other moms in my neighborhood. We arranged play dates, trips to local parks, and other outings which were fun for our children and emotionally nourishing for us, all former professional women. It was also not uncommon for us to give each other a call and arrange something impromptu, or even occasionally drop by just to see if each others' children were awake and interested in companionship.

I settled my young daughters in their double stroller and headed down the street to a good friend's house. She was the mother of identical twin daughters. She and her husband were in many ways the envy of the neighborhood. They were our local "Ken and Barbie". Both were extremely attractive. Jen had carried her twins to full term and almost immediately regained her pre-pregnancy figure. Steve was an up and coming executive with a beverage distribution company. Their house was tastefully and expensively furnished, they both drove luxury cars, and they had an active social life. Jen had a sitter every Friday so she could shop, get a massage and manicure, whatever struck her fancy that day. They threw the best parties in the neighborhood. On top of it all, they were so NICE. It was infuriating. I could find nothing to dislike about them, except perhaps their apparent perfection.

We all know these folks, right? They're attractive and well-dressed. They've got great jobs and drive cool cars. They have a good house or apartment and have impeccable taste in their furnishings. If they have started their family, their children are adorable and, for the most part, well-behaved. They take interesting vacations. They get along so well. They're the perfect couple. And, without meaning to, they make the rest of us feel less than adequate. They seem to have it all together, to accomplish everything perfectly and effortlessly.

Well, here's the rest of the story of my perfect couple. I rang the doorbell that day and waited patiently. After all, I hadn't called ahead of time to let Jen know I'd be stopping by. Time passed and there was no reply. I rang the bell again and waited. Still no reply. This was before the advent of the ubiquitous cell phone, so I couldn't call Jen unless I headed back home. Finally, I began to knock on the door. Having been raised to be a "nice, polite girl", I didn't even consider peeking through the sidelights that framed the front door.

But when Jen didn't respond to either my knocks or the doorbell, I became very curious. I peered through the narrow window which looked into the expansive front hall, the kitchen and the breakfast room. I was shocked by the sight. The floor of the normally immaculate house was littered with toys, clothing, and household items, as far as the eye could see. The Jen I knew would never allow her house to be in such a condition, and would certainly never chance the neighbors seeing it like that.

As I surveyed the scene, I became alarmed that perhaps one of the children had been injured or suddenly fallen ill and Jen had rushed to the hospital. I looked through the windows of the garage and saw her car. Clearly, she hadn't gone anywhere. Now I was becoming outright scared. Perhaps she had passed out.

I turned the stroller around and headed back up the street to the home of another good friend, Marci. I told her what I had seen. She popped her young son into his stroller and we headed back to Jen's house. This time, I banged on the door with my fist and we both called her name at the top of our lungs. Nothing. I tried the front door. To my surprise, it opened. Now I was frankly terrified. Had someone broken into the house?

Without thinking, I marched into the house, Marci remaining on the doorstep with the children. I walked through the house, calling Jen's name. Again, nothing. This time, I opened the closets, fearing the worst. I entered Jen's and Steve's enormous master bedroom suite. My feeling of being an intruder was overriden by my fear for my friend and her daughters. I went so far as to open the frosted glass door which covered the tub and shower. Thankfully, no horrific sight greeted me.

After canvassing the house and the garage, including Jen's BMW, I joined Marci and the children on the doorstep. We decided we had no choice but to call Steve, who was out of town on business. We trudged back up the steep hill to Marci's house to look for Steve's office number. I kept the children, who were now becoming restless, occupied while Marci made the call. Marci left a message with Steve's administrative assistant and we waited. While the children played in the huge upstairs rec room, Marci and I sat solemnly, pondering what might have happened to Jen and the girls. Time dragged on.

Finally, the phone rang. It was Steve. I watched the expression on Marci's face change from one of grave concern to puzzlement to irritation. After saying goodbye to Steve, she put the phone down and turned to me, saying "You'll never believe this". Here's the rest of the story: Steve had headed to Orlando on business. While there, his schedule had changed and he ended up with a day with no appointments. On the spur of the moment, he called Jen and suggested she and the girls join him for a day at Disney World. She grabbed a few things for the three of them, called a cab, and headed to the airport. So, while Marci and I were fearing that Jen and her daughters had perhaps been kidnapped--or worse--the family was having a wonderful time in the Magic Kingdom, strolling down Main Street, getting Mickey's autograph, and enjoying the parades.

That day was an eye opener for me. I learned some important things about my dear friend, Jen. One was that, like all the rest of us with young children, after a while, cooking, cleaning, laundry, changing diapers, running errands, providing what we hoped was just the right amount of intellectual/social/emotional stimulation for our children, not to mention trying to have some sort of relationship with our husbands, catches up with you. Fatigue sets in and something has to give. Chaos seems to engulf the house and you're not sure how you'll ever restore order. The other, and perhaps more important lesson, was that Jen could so easily fail to anticipate that her friends would notice her absence and be very concerned about her; that she could dash off so quickly that she left her home in disarray and unsecured.

That day, I took Jen and Steve off the pedestal which they'd occupied in my mind. I still admired them for the way they seemed to make everything look so effortless. But I now knew something of their private lives, when they weren't on display. So, while nature may have graced them with good looks and intelligence, like the rest of us, they went about their own lives behind closed doors. And, when company was coming, so to speak, just like the proverbial duck, they were calm and collected on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath. The perfect couple was, after all, merely mortal.

The Good Wife

Yesterday was one of "those" days, fragmented and choppy. I felt like I didn't have time to fully devote myself to things that needed my attention. Patients in the morning, errands in the afternoon, and a dinner guest coming that night. The errands were what I resented. I wanted to catch up on paperwork, do some online research, and spend some time on my blog.

This feeling was by no means new to me. For years, I've somewhat begrudgingly run to the grocery, the bank, the drycleaner, etc. These little trips have always felt like distractions from some larger purpose in my life. They were annoyances--necessary to the running of a household, but nonetheless irritating. As I contemplated this old pattern and simultaneously fine tuned my "to do" list for the afternoon, I took a deep breath. I came to the realization that I do these things because this is what a "good wife" (and mother, during the years when I had children at home) does.

So, just what is a good wife, anyway? I immediately thought of the classic description in Proverbs 31:10-31. If you distill out the behaviors of the good wife, here are some of the things you find. The good wife:

Is trusted by her husband

Is honored and praised by her children

Is hardworking and sees to the economic well-being of her household

Is a good steward of her family's resources

Cares for those less fortunate

Behaves in such a way that her husband is honored in the community

Is wise

Is righteous

From this description, we get a picture of someone who exemplifies the religious principle of servanthood. Now, don't get the idea that a "servant" in this sense is someone who is self-defeating or even masochistic, who is into self-denial. No, servanthood merely implies a healthy recognition and honoring of the needs of others who depend on you. It implies a voluntary humbling of self and temporarily placing one's needs in a secondary position to those of the people who rely on us.

And servanthood has its own set of rewards, once you grasp the concept. Whatever delay of self-gratification is involved is more than offset by witnessing the positive effects of our efforts in the lives of others. So, for example, while spending time in the grocery may not be my favorite activity--and putting the groceries away once I arrive home most definitely is not!--I do enjoy cooking. And I very much enjoy serving my husband, who has also worked a long day, a meal which he enjoys and which nourishes both his body and his soul. I enjoy seeing him put on a freshly cleaned suit and head off to work looking professional and taking pride in his appearance. I know that makes a difference in how he functions and in how others react to him. And, occasionally, I like to surprise him at his office with hot coffee and a donut. There are days when he has back-to-back meetings and he can't get away even for a minute. His smile when he sees me at the office door is ample reward for me!

So, on those days when I get a little frustrated at the time it takes to run errands, time I feel might be better spent handling work-related matters, I remind myself that these are part of the rhythm of life, just as the work I love so much is. There is truly a time and a season for all things. When I go about my errands with a glad heart, I am more than rewarded by the appreciation of those I love and serve. And, as a bonus, I eventually return to my work feeling refreshed, renewed, and full of creative energy.

Finding Contentment at the Mall

I hate to admit it, but I used to be a mall walker. You know, one of those folks who don their athletic shoes and take over the mall early in the morning, often in packs. Well, I walked solo, but still felt the shame and stigma of being identified with those other folks. I should have been outside, pounding the pavement and sweating. But that was the whole point of mall walking. You don't have to sweat (unless you want to), the "pavement" is nice and even, no rocks, no potholes, no code orange air quality alerts, no dog poop to dodge. So, for me it served its purpose at the time.

The downside of mall walking was the emotional sterility of the environment. You see the same things in the store windows for weeks on end, you see the same people, and then there's that "mall aroma". You know what I mean. Next time you're in a mall, breathe deeply and try to figure out what you're smelling. Is it all that fabric from the clothing stores, or do the property managers, at the behest of the mall owners, actually pump something into the air in order to manipulate your behavior, in this case, buying something? Like in Las Vegas, where the air in casinos is supposedly artificially oxygenated in order to keep you alert, enhance the effects of alcohol, and keep you throwing your money at lady luck. Or maybe that's just an urban legend.

So, I'd walk the mall, trying to keep up a heart-healthy pace, all the while scrutinizing the offerings in the store windows. It was hard not to look at many of them and think, "Wow, that would look great for the company Christmas party"; "This would be perfect for New Year's Eve dinner with my husband at that intimate restaurant up in the mountains"; or "This blouse is just what I need for work; I can wear it with so many things." You know the kind of thinking when you're trying to rationalize a purchase.

So many choices. So many possibilities for transforming myself. Or so I thought. It quickly became overwhelming. I pondered the level of desire for new "stuff" that I experienced while walking. It also seemed that many of the stores rotated new merchandise on roughly a three-week schedule. So, I thought, I buy something that I can't live without today, and three weeks later, there's something new in the window. What's that all about? Do so-called fashion trends really change that rapidly?

Well, in case you're wondering, I always resisted the temptation to go shopping after my walk, when the stores had opened. But as I continued to think about the experience of being in a mall, it dawned on me in a very powerful way that the entire mission of the stores is to generate discontent. Discontent, that is, with what you currently have. The stores have the "cure" for that. Buy this dress and you'll feel sexy. Buy these overpriced jeans and you'll know without a doubt that you're cool. Buy this $700 handbag and everyone will know that you are living large.

So, the whole point is to make you unhappy with what you currently own, which, in the world of the mall, equates to what you are. To plant the seed that, if you just buy this thing or that, you'll be happier. Life will be good again. That is, until the merchandise in the storefronts changes again. Really thinking about this seemed to relieve me of a huge burden. I could, if I chose, continue walking in the mall without experiencing this artificial discontent. I was fine, just as I was, without the new dress, jeans, or handbag.

I am, however, still wondering about "mall air".

Rainy Night in Georgia

Well, I'm not sure whether it rained in Georgia last night or not, but it's raining today. I'm heading home to Georgia today, after spending three beautiful days celebrating my older daughter's birthday. As I pack up the car and search for the nearest Starbucks, I'm powerfully aware of how my heart--that is, my most intimate connections--resides in several places. My husband is traveling on business at the moment; one daughter lives on the west coast, one on the east coast; my stepson is in a rock band which is on the road (including Europe and Australia) most days of the year; my mother is in the southern Midwest; my sister is in Canada; my in-laws are in New England; and I have dear, dear friends who live in the Pacific Northwest, but who have been on a pilgrimage through India, Nepal, Sikkim, and Bhutan for the past couple of months.

Having my nearest and dearest scattered to the four corners of the earth can feel disconcerting at times. It's logistically impossible for all of us to gather together, even during the holidays. There are times when it would be easy to fall into despair about this. But that's so unproductive, doesn't solve the problem, and simply leaves me stuck with that frustration. So, for years now, I've decided that each opportunity to spend time (whether a week or a day) with my loved ones is a blessing and is to be honored as such. It's an opportunity to make new memories which can later be revisited during stressful or difficult times, memories which can soothe a temporarily troubled soul.

So, where does your heart reside? Do you gladly and joyfully give your heart to family and friends as they go about the business of their daily lives? I encourage you to give some thought to this today. As in so many areas of life, the more we give, the more we receive back. Can you find a way to give your loved ones your full blessing as they pursue their own lives and dreams? If so, you may be surprised at how this act of emotional generosity frees you up to pursue the life you are meant to live!

Laws of Attraction

Last time, we talked about a couple of factors that lead to attraction between people: exposure and proximity. We saw that repeated exposure to someone is likely to increase our positive feelings for that person, and that proximity, or being in the presence of someone, increases opportunities for exposure and interaction. In a future post, we'll look at how these factors operate in long-distance relationships and online relationships. But are there other forces that affect whether and how individuals are attracted to each other? The answer is a resounding "yes"! There are factors which have to do with the individuals themselves, and perhaps more importantly, with how those characteristics of both individuals mesh.

It probably comes as no surprise that similarity, in terms of personality, attitudes, values, and even demographic variables, such as socioeconomic status, tends to increase attraction. To be sure, there are some who find extremely dissimilar people fascinating and enticing, and relationships between "opposites" do sometimes endure and even thrive. By and large, however, we tend to fare much better with a partner who bears some resemblance to us in terms of personality traits (e.g., thrill-seeking, introversion), attitudes (e.g., political conservatism), and values (e.g., the importance of family, financial responsibility, etc.). A recent study revealed that, when people were searching for a committed relationship, they chose a partner high in similarity. However, if they were interested in a "fling", they were likely to select someone unlike themselves. So, many of us enjoy novelty in our short-term intimate relationships, but, over the long haul, extreme novelty may be experienced as unsettling in a comfortable, committed relationship.

Another obvious factor in attraction is reciprocal liking. Simply put, we tend to like those who like us. Most of us aren't particularly motivated to pursue a relationship with someone who dislikes, disdains, or is simply disinterested in us. In the process of developing a romantic relationship, one or both partners may occasionally "play hard to get", but this is not to be confused with genuine disinterest. It is actually a strategy designed to pique the interest of the object of one's desire. But it's important not to overdo this, as it often backfires! Too much of it can be misinterpreted as lack of interest. Or it can simply require too much effort, and the individual will likely move on to another potential partner who requires a bit less work.

There are a couple of more obscure, but nonetheless interesting, factors that may contribute to romantic attraction. The first is referred to as the "Romeo and Juliet" phenomenon. Those who know the details of this beloved story may be able to guess at the nature of this type of attraction. In the case of these young lovers, parental and family interference served to increase their love for each other. Attempts to keep them apart merely fanned the flames of their desire to be together, with tragic results. And then there is "fatal attraction", in which those very characteristics that initially intrigue and excite us eventually frighten or strongly disappoint us. For example, a woman may find herself drawn to a man who takes great interest in the smallest details of her life. He wants to be involved in her choice of friends and social activities and cares expresses interest in her wardrobe. Over time, however, she may discover that this "interest" actually signals a controlling and perhaps abusive personality.

What about the role that one's appearance plays in romantic attraction? Well, as you might imagine, it matters. There's a considerable body of research that shows that, in general, we tend to prefer attractive people. And, unfair as it may be, more attractive people are often given preferential treatment in job, educational, and social settings. There's a catch, however. Most of us believe it's actually possible to be too attractive! While we may not be consciously aware of this bias, studies indicate that we prefer people who are moderately versus extremely attractive. We seem to think that those who are at the far end of the attractiveness spectrum will either be extremely "high maintenance", personally shallow, or unwilling to commit to a relationship because they have so many romantic options. And finally, the matching hypothesis suggests that we tend to be drawn to others who would be considered to be approximately as attractive as we are. In the area of interpersonal attraction, our reach generally does not exceed our grasp! While we may fantasize about relationships with gorgeous women and extremely handsome men, in real life we seek out someone who is our attractiveness equal.

There's Something about Mary

..... and Jason and Stacy and Kevin and Jessica and Matt. The list is as long as there are names. As different as each of us is, there seems to be a "someone special" for almost everyone. What are the forces that draw us to that person and not someone else? In other words, what is attraction all about? In this and future posts, we'll look at some of the major factors that contribute to this interpersonal magnetism that results in the formation of intimate relationships.

Interpersonal attraction has been shown to be powerfully shaped by the forces of exposure and proximity. Much of the research on exposure has been conducted in university laboratory settings and has involved presenting experimental subjects with some new stimulus (for example, a melody), then measuring the subjects' liking of the stimulus after repeated presentations of it. Overall, liking for a neutral or a mildly positive stimulus tends to increase after we're exposed to it repeatedly.

Proximity refers to being close to or near someone or something. Research in this area has tended to use more naturalistic settings, such as classrooms and apartment complexes. Researchers have found that, in these settings, people generally prefer those with whom they are in closer contact (for example, a neighbor in the apartment next door versus one who lives on the floor below). Proximity clearly gives us repeated opportunities for interaction with or exposure to others.

Think about a work or school setting. As a new employee or student, you enter an office or classroom with little or no knowledge of your coworkers or fellow students. However, over time, you become more familiar with them through repeated interaction and sharing experiences. For example, in a semester-long course, you may engage in discussion regarding the subject of the course (for example, abnormal psychology). You may take part in study groups in preparation for exams. You may join with other students to work on a group project. In a work setting, likewise, you may work with other employees on a group task, perhaps requiring you to work after hours or even weekends. You may be required to travel together on business. If your office environment is high stress, you may gradually form emotional bonds related to its impact on your life and to managing that stress.

So, the more we're exposed to someone who has either neutral or mildly positive stimulus value (to be addressed in a future post) for us, the better we like him or her. And, obviously, proximity, or being near someone, as in a work or school setting, provides us with opportunities for repeated exposure. So, the more time we spend around someone, and the more experiences we share with them, the more likely we are to feel some sort of attraction to them.

Now, there are different varieties of attraction, to be sure. Some are related to a task to be completed, such as a term paper or a project at work. In this case, you may feel a degree of task or instrumental attraction to someone who could prove helpful in the completion of that project, perhaps because of their level of organization, writing skill, expert knowledge of a subject, etc. In the course of interacting with someone in a particular setting, whether work or recreational, you may find that you have much in common with that person, that you enjoy his or her sense of humor, or that you share certain basic values in life. This can become the basis for social attraction, which contributes to friendship and other non-romantic/sexual intimate relationships. And finally, you may find that, for a whole host of reasons, you are strongly attracted to someone in the romantic sense and that this feeling grows with new opportunities for interaction.

The next time you meet someone new, pay attention to how your feelings change over time as you spend more with that person. So, whatever it is about Mary, it's highly likely that being in close enough proximity to have repeated interactions with her will increase positive feelings for her!

When marital therapy doesn't work ...

It's a fact of life. Approximately 40%-50% of all marriages in this country end in divorce. The rate is even higher for second marriages (~ 67%). Before ending a marriage or committed relationship, many couples seek professional help. Most of us are familiar with the concept of marital or couple therapy, a form of therapy in which couples work to improve communication and problem-solving skills, address sexual difficulties, or infidelity, whether sexual, emotional, or financial.

Marital/couple therapy is often successful in helping couples restore trust in each other, rediscovering intimacy, and encouraging a passion for re-energizing their relationship. While this may be the desired outcome, both from the couple's and the therapist's point of view (more on this in another post), the reality is that many couples will come to the conclusion that they'll do better apart than together. When this happens, "marital therapy" is no longer the appropriate course of action.

So, where does a couple go from that point? More and more, couples whose marriages are not going to survive progress to "divorce therapy". While the term may be relatively new, the concept has arisen in response to the prevalence of divorce in our society. It refers to the work a couple does in therapy to effect the healthiest transition possible from an unhappy marriage to post-divorce life. This includes construction of new identities as single individuals and as co-parents, when children are involved. It focuses on acceptance of the end of the marriage and understanding the dynamics that contributed to its dissolution, including individual personality characteristics and factors. This not only helps the partners to put their former marriage in some manageable context, but also helps prepare for possible future relationships by increasing self-understanding.

If you've been in marital therapy, but you and your spouse are increasingly thinking that divorce is the next step, it's perfectly appropriate to openly address this with your therapist. A competent therapist will encourage the two of you to set goals for yourselves, both individually and perhaps as a co-parenting couple. After all, your therapist's task is to encourage and help you achieve maximum personal growth.

Taking stock

It's official, fall's here. For many of us, this time of year signals a renewed effort in our work or school. Summer vacations are now pleasant memories, and we turn our attention toward the end of the year, including holiday plans. This can also be a time of increased introspection, looking inward to assess satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with meeting personal goals, as well as the state of our intimate relationships. How does your "state of the union" look right now? Are you and your spouse or partner relating in warm, mutually fulfilling ways? What are the areas in which you'd like to see change and growth? Do you have a plan for pursuing that goal?

Here's a tip for getting started with that process. Get a sheet of lined paper (graph paper is good, because it's lined in both directions). Going down the sheet of paper, list things such as "self", "marriage" (or "relationship"), "children", "extended family", "friendships", "work", "spirituality", "hobbies", "recreation", and "finances". There may be some other categories which are important in your life. For instance, if you're both a student and working (and that includes many of us!), you might want to list "education", as well. Across the top of the page, list "good/meeting or exceeding my expectations", "OK/acceptable", and "needs work". Then, looking at the areas on the left-hand side of the page, take a moment to reflect on how you're doing in each of these areas and enter a check mark in the appropriate box.

The goal of this exercise is to help you take stock of the things you value most in life--your relationships and the pursuit of valued goals. Give it a try and see where things stand. Have you been neglecting some family connections in pursuit of work or educational goals? Or, perhaps it's the other way around, and the demands of family have interfered with advancement at work or school.

This exercise can give you a quick "snapshot" of areas of imbalance in your life. While it probably doesn't make sense to do this weekly, or perhaps even monthly, many have found it useful to repeat this on a quarterly basis, for instance. Comparing your latest results with earlier assessments can help you stay on track in maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships and other valued life goals.

Welcome!

Welcome to Dr. Liz's blog, "Intimate Matters". Here we'll explore all sorts of topics regarding our closest relationships, whether with spouses, partners, friends, or even coworkers. We'll look at the good, the bad, and the truly ugly in relationships. Anyone who has a significant other or even a close friend knows the comfort and joy that sharing one's life can bring, as well as the pain that comes from betrayal. More commonplace than major betrayals are the small disappointments in our relationships that seem to be a part of daily life. Some of the areas we'll look at are:

• The forces that draw us together, as well as those that drive us apart
• The age-old question of how men and women can talk to each other
• Is it possible to stay sexually and emotionally faithful to one person for decades?
• Do we expect too much from our marriages?
• How can you "affair-proof" your workplace?
• What are some new models for intimate relationships?

We humans are by our very nature highly social. We tend to thrive when our marriages, friendships, and work associations are going well, but suffer both emotionally and physically when we experience major interpersonal problems. I hope you'll check in frequently to see what's new, and that the information and opinions contained in the posts will enrich your personal life.

Remember, "intimate" really does "matter"!