Sadly, all too many of us find ourselves actors in this drama. Something alerts us to the fact that a spouse has been unfaithful. It can be almost anything, from a whiff of perfume that you don't recognize; credit card receipts for dinners or hotel stays you never enjoyed; jewelry or clothing that you never received; or changes in customary patterns of behavior that suggest that something's not quite right.
At first, you're likely to feel extremely confused, perhaps you even doubt your own sanity and assume you're just imagining things. After all, your spouse would never do that to you and your family. The sad reality is that many of our spouses do just that. Reliable statistics are very hard to come by, as people are reluctant to admit to betraying their marital vows. But, some of the best numbers suggest that between 40% and 60% of men and at least 40% of women in first marriages will engage in affairs.
Disclosure of an affair can happen in any number of ways. Occasionally, a spouse will simply come forward--whether out of guilt or fear of being caught--and admit to an extramarital affair. More likely, however, a guilty spouse is confronted about an affair and denies it initially. Eventually, after being presented with sufficient evidence about his or her behavior, the spouse who had the affair will admit to something. The admission, however, may only be partial and may be a distortion of what really transpired.
This is the point at which spouses may end up repeatedly contending with each other over versions of the truth. The spouse who had the affair may still be engaged in protecting himself/herself or an affair partner, while the betrayed spouse may feel in his or her "gut" that there is much more to be uncovered. The parallel processes of denial or "damage containment", and attempting to discover ever more of the truth, can go on for months.
Eventually, a couple reaches a place where they need to make a decision. They'll either part ways over the affair, they'll work to build a stronger marriage, or they'll live in emotional limbo, where nothing is ever resolved. Arriving at a decision can, in and of itself, take time. The betrayed spouse may feel such raw, searing pain that she isn't sure she can put any effort into the marriage. And the spouse who had the affair may become impatient and want to "just get on with it".
When a couple decides to work on the marriage, there's no denying that they're in for a bumpy road. There will be glimmers of hope, followed by setbacks that lead the betrayed spouse to think that any "progress" the couple made was merely an illusion. But that's the typical course of affair recovery--two steps forward and one step back, for a while. But the promising news is that they're still one foot ahead of where they were before.
Strange as it may sound, in my clinical practice, I've seen couples, while scarred by an affair, come through it stronger, closer, and much better friends than before. So, for those of you who are stinging from a spouse's infidelity, there is hope.
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