When marital therapy doesn't work ...

It's a fact of life. Approximately 40%-50% of all marriages in this country end in divorce. The rate is even higher for second marriages (~ 67%). Before ending a marriage or committed relationship, many couples seek professional help. Most of us are familiar with the concept of marital or couple therapy, a form of therapy in which couples work to improve communication and problem-solving skills, address sexual difficulties, or infidelity, whether sexual, emotional, or financial.

Marital/couple therapy is often successful in helping couples restore trust in each other, rediscovering intimacy, and encouraging a passion for re-energizing their relationship. While this may be the desired outcome, both from the couple's and the therapist's point of view (more on this in another post), the reality is that many couples will come to the conclusion that they'll do better apart than together. When this happens, "marital therapy" is no longer the appropriate course of action.

So, where does a couple go from that point? More and more, couples whose marriages are not going to survive progress to "divorce therapy". While the term may be relatively new, the concept has arisen in response to the prevalence of divorce in our society. It refers to the work a couple does in therapy to effect the healthiest transition possible from an unhappy marriage to post-divorce life. This includes construction of new identities as single individuals and as co-parents, when children are involved. It focuses on acceptance of the end of the marriage and understanding the dynamics that contributed to its dissolution, including individual personality characteristics and factors. This not only helps the partners to put their former marriage in some manageable context, but also helps prepare for possible future relationships by increasing self-understanding.

If you've been in marital therapy, but you and your spouse are increasingly thinking that divorce is the next step, it's perfectly appropriate to openly address this with your therapist. A competent therapist will encourage the two of you to set goals for yourselves, both individually and perhaps as a co-parenting couple. After all, your therapist's task is to encourage and help you achieve maximum personal growth.