There's Something about Mary

..... and Jason and Stacy and Kevin and Jessica and Matt. The list is as long as there are names. As different as each of us is, there seems to be a "someone special" for almost everyone. What are the forces that draw us to that person and not someone else? In other words, what is attraction all about? In this and future posts, we'll look at some of the major factors that contribute to this interpersonal magnetism that results in the formation of intimate relationships.

Interpersonal attraction has been shown to be powerfully shaped by the forces of exposure and proximity. Much of the research on exposure has been conducted in university laboratory settings and has involved presenting experimental subjects with some new stimulus (for example, a melody), then measuring the subjects' liking of the stimulus after repeated presentations of it. Overall, liking for a neutral or a mildly positive stimulus tends to increase after we're exposed to it repeatedly.

Proximity refers to being close to or near someone or something. Research in this area has tended to use more naturalistic settings, such as classrooms and apartment complexes. Researchers have found that, in these settings, people generally prefer those with whom they are in closer contact (for example, a neighbor in the apartment next door versus one who lives on the floor below). Proximity clearly gives us repeated opportunities for interaction with or exposure to others.

Think about a work or school setting. As a new employee or student, you enter an office or classroom with little or no knowledge of your coworkers or fellow students. However, over time, you become more familiar with them through repeated interaction and sharing experiences. For example, in a semester-long course, you may engage in discussion regarding the subject of the course (for example, abnormal psychology). You may take part in study groups in preparation for exams. You may join with other students to work on a group project. In a work setting, likewise, you may work with other employees on a group task, perhaps requiring you to work after hours or even weekends. You may be required to travel together on business. If your office environment is high stress, you may gradually form emotional bonds related to its impact on your life and to managing that stress.

So, the more we're exposed to someone who has either neutral or mildly positive stimulus value (to be addressed in a future post) for us, the better we like him or her. And, obviously, proximity, or being near someone, as in a work or school setting, provides us with opportunities for repeated exposure. So, the more time we spend around someone, and the more experiences we share with them, the more likely we are to feel some sort of attraction to them.

Now, there are different varieties of attraction, to be sure. Some are related to a task to be completed, such as a term paper or a project at work. In this case, you may feel a degree of task or instrumental attraction to someone who could prove helpful in the completion of that project, perhaps because of their level of organization, writing skill, expert knowledge of a subject, etc. In the course of interacting with someone in a particular setting, whether work or recreational, you may find that you have much in common with that person, that you enjoy his or her sense of humor, or that you share certain basic values in life. This can become the basis for social attraction, which contributes to friendship and other non-romantic/sexual intimate relationships. And finally, you may find that, for a whole host of reasons, you are strongly attracted to someone in the romantic sense and that this feeling grows with new opportunities for interaction.

The next time you meet someone new, pay attention to how your feelings change over time as you spend more with that person. So, whatever it is about Mary, it's highly likely that being in close enough proximity to have repeated interactions with her will increase positive feelings for her!