Laws of Attraction

Last time, we talked about a couple of factors that lead to attraction between people: exposure and proximity. We saw that repeated exposure to someone is likely to increase our positive feelings for that person, and that proximity, or being in the presence of someone, increases opportunities for exposure and interaction. In a future post, we'll look at how these factors operate in long-distance relationships and online relationships. But are there other forces that affect whether and how individuals are attracted to each other? The answer is a resounding "yes"! There are factors which have to do with the individuals themselves, and perhaps more importantly, with how those characteristics of both individuals mesh.

It probably comes as no surprise that similarity, in terms of personality, attitudes, values, and even demographic variables, such as socioeconomic status, tends to increase attraction. To be sure, there are some who find extremely dissimilar people fascinating and enticing, and relationships between "opposites" do sometimes endure and even thrive. By and large, however, we tend to fare much better with a partner who bears some resemblance to us in terms of personality traits (e.g., thrill-seeking, introversion), attitudes (e.g., political conservatism), and values (e.g., the importance of family, financial responsibility, etc.). A recent study revealed that, when people were searching for a committed relationship, they chose a partner high in similarity. However, if they were interested in a "fling", they were likely to select someone unlike themselves. So, many of us enjoy novelty in our short-term intimate relationships, but, over the long haul, extreme novelty may be experienced as unsettling in a comfortable, committed relationship.

Another obvious factor in attraction is reciprocal liking. Simply put, we tend to like those who like us. Most of us aren't particularly motivated to pursue a relationship with someone who dislikes, disdains, or is simply disinterested in us. In the process of developing a romantic relationship, one or both partners may occasionally "play hard to get", but this is not to be confused with genuine disinterest. It is actually a strategy designed to pique the interest of the object of one's desire. But it's important not to overdo this, as it often backfires! Too much of it can be misinterpreted as lack of interest. Or it can simply require too much effort, and the individual will likely move on to another potential partner who requires a bit less work.

There are a couple of more obscure, but nonetheless interesting, factors that may contribute to romantic attraction. The first is referred to as the "Romeo and Juliet" phenomenon. Those who know the details of this beloved story may be able to guess at the nature of this type of attraction. In the case of these young lovers, parental and family interference served to increase their love for each other. Attempts to keep them apart merely fanned the flames of their desire to be together, with tragic results. And then there is "fatal attraction", in which those very characteristics that initially intrigue and excite us eventually frighten or strongly disappoint us. For example, a woman may find herself drawn to a man who takes great interest in the smallest details of her life. He wants to be involved in her choice of friends and social activities and cares expresses interest in her wardrobe. Over time, however, she may discover that this "interest" actually signals a controlling and perhaps abusive personality.

What about the role that one's appearance plays in romantic attraction? Well, as you might imagine, it matters. There's a considerable body of research that shows that, in general, we tend to prefer attractive people. And, unfair as it may be, more attractive people are often given preferential treatment in job, educational, and social settings. There's a catch, however. Most of us believe it's actually possible to be too attractive! While we may not be consciously aware of this bias, studies indicate that we prefer people who are moderately versus extremely attractive. We seem to think that those who are at the far end of the attractiveness spectrum will either be extremely "high maintenance", personally shallow, or unwilling to commit to a relationship because they have so many romantic options. And finally, the matching hypothesis suggests that we tend to be drawn to others who would be considered to be approximately as attractive as we are. In the area of interpersonal attraction, our reach generally does not exceed our grasp! While we may fantasize about relationships with gorgeous women and extremely handsome men, in real life we seek out someone who is our attractiveness equal.