Five Steps to Affair Recovery

Have you or your partner had an affair? Have you tried to "get past it", but just can't? As a psychologist, I witness couples struggling to put their marriages back together. The betrayed wife, for example, may decide she has to monitor her husband's every move, and he may agree, in his guilt and his desperation to reassure her, that it's OK to do that. Some husbands have even told me that, if their wife is so angry that she wants to physically assault them, they're willing to tolerate that. They feel they deserve that for the pain they've caused her.

Many couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity want very badly to repair the marriage. After all, they have history together (often decades), they are financial and household partners, and they likely have children together. And, in spite of an affair, they may still love each other very deeply. In other words, they have a lot of themselves and their lifetimes invested in the relationship.

One common mistake that couples make is waiting to get help. As with other types of psychological and relational distress, they may think that if they ignore it or try to cope with it on their own, it may seem a bit less real or serious than if they admit they need professional help. Or perhaps they don't want to spend the time or money. Unfortunately, by the time some couples come to the conclusion that they can't fix the relationship on their own, it may be too late. Too much damage may have been done. The distrust which follows an affair may have become too deeply entrenched; negative communications may have become the only messages conveyed; and dysfunctional ways of thinking about and behaving toward each other may have become habits which are hard to break. In other words, the couple has become "stuck" in a destructive cycle of anger, punishment, distrust, and misery.

But there is some good news in all of this. Couples who are willing to reach out to a psychotherapist who is both knowledgeable and skilled at working with infidelity issues can often find hope and healing. While there are no guarantees, they often find they can learn new, more authentic and more effective, ways of communicating with each other. They can work toward rebuilding a feeling of emotional safety and security for the betrayed spouse. They can work toward understanding how the affair came about in the first place and what role it played in their marriage. And they can develop a new vision for their marriage and their future.

There are five critical steps in recovering from an affair. While the steps tend to follow a predictable sequence, they do overlap, so that a couple may be working on more than one task or step at a time. The first step is REMORSE on the part of the partner who had the affair. Remorse, in this context, is a deep, distressing feeling of guilt over the pain one's affair has caused one's spouse. This can come about in two ways. A spouse may discover an affair and confront the participating spouse about it. Or the spouse who had the affair feels tremendous guilt, worries that the husband or wife will learn of the affair, and divulges it to his or her partner. One's remorse over one's actions must be openly and sincerely communicated. You can't expect your husband or wife to know how truly sorry you are for the pain you've caused him and for the damage you've done to your marriage without communicating it. And your remorse must be sincere. If not, you run the risk of making matters worse. Anything less than a genuine, heartfelt apology will merely wound your partner more deeply and make you appear even less trustworthy.

REGRET is related to remorse, but is subjectively a very different phenomenon. Regret is complex and, at the risk of offending some readers, I'll say that it may not be absolutely necessary for rebuilding a marriage. Therefore, I'm not treating it as a separate step. Remember that remorse is the first step and is that deep, heartfelt sorrow for the pain and distress you inflict on a partner when you have an affair.

The role of regret in affair recovery is complicated, and may actually be the most difficult part of it. It implies wishing, on some level, that you hadn't had the affair, wishing that you could undo past actions. And this is the hardest part for some individuals. Yes, they are sorrowful about the pain they've caused a spouse and the devastation they've wreaked on their marriage. But they may have very fond memories of the affair or the affair partner. The affair likely served some important function for them at the time. After all, people have affairs because they feel good--at least, in the beginning. We'll look at the reasons people engage in affairs in another post, but suffice it to say for now that it's often a combination of the exhilaration, the novelty, and the ways it makes us feel desirable. An affair offers a heady cocktail of emotions and experiences, and even after it has ended, the participants may be loathe to relinquish the memories, in much the same way one might not want to part with a cherished photo or keepsake which connects us to some part of our past and provides comfort or joy.

It's precisely because of the positive aspect of affairs that it can be so difficult for some people to feel regret. They may feel remorse, want to repair the marriage, and have absolutely no intention of recommencing the affair. But they are reluctant or unwilling to try to give up the positive feelings they have about the affair or the affair partner. They may even mourn the loss of the affair and, on some level, blame the spouse for it ending. This mindset, while perhaps understandable, complicates the tasks a couple must complete in order to repair their marriage. It suggests that the spouse who had the affair is willing to devote most--but not all--of himself to that process and to the new relationship. Thus, those marriages in which the spouse who had the affair can genuinely come to feel regret for it probably stand the greatest likelihood of restoration.

Both partners must RECOMMIT to the marriage. This stage may sound extremely simple. You either decide--or don't--that you intend to work on rebuilding your marriage. And, in a certain sense, it is that simple. To recommit involves an act of will, a decision. While you will never forget how your spouse betrayed you, you make a decision to forgive--based on your partner's remorse and your own level of motivation--and to agree to work on repairing the relationship. There are no guarantees in the area of affair recovery, but recommitment is not a partial or "if, then maybe" process. Both partners must fully and unequivocally dedicate themselves to participating in the work of repair.

While recommitment to the marriage is essential for relationship repair, both partners may not reach that decision at the same time. For instance, a wife who has had an affair and terminated it may know immediately that she wants to stay in her marriage and make it work. That may have been the determining factor in her ending the affair. Her husband, however, may feel so betrayed that he needs time to consider his alternatives and contemplate whether he can ever trust her again. Or, upon learning of her husband's affair, a wife may state from the outset that she wants to do whatever it takes to keep the family intact. Her husband may still have positive feelings for his affair partner, however, and be conflicted about what he wants.

The point is that recommitment by both partners is necessary for recovery from an affair to take place, but it may begin at different times. But only with full commitment to the process can the other steps effectively begin.

RESTORATION of trust is the "nuts and bolts" phase which involves the couple sitting down and regularly evaluating and planning the concrete steps they need to take to help the betrayed partner begin to feel more emotionally secure. The details and the conditions that emerge from tis stage will be different for each couple, but they might involve things like an elaborate coordination of times to communicate with each other, whether by phone, email, or text. If the partner who had the affair travels frequently on business, it might involve the betrayed partner calling the hotel rather than her husband's cell phone. A couple may decide to meet for lunch of coffee two or three times a week, just to take time out of their busy work days, to check in and emotionally reconnect with each other. If the spouse who had the affair must work with the former affair partner, it might involve spelling out in detail the conditions under which the two work together; for example, no lunches or dinners alone, no traveling together, no communication about personal lives, with the betrayed spouse checking emails and phone messages in order to feel comfortable that the arrangement is being adhered to.

The question that invariably arises for couples, particularly for the spouse who had the affair, is how long this kind of monitoring needs to go on. Unfortunately, there's no single answer to that question. Each couple is different. For some it may be only a few weeks, for others it may last up to a year. There are a few factors, however, that determine how protracted this part of the process of healing may be. First, there's the baseline level of trust which the betrayed partner tends to feel in intimate relationships. If his expectations about fidelity and trust have been violated before and he tends to feel emotionally fragile in this area, the process will likely take longer than if he generally felt secure in his relationships. Second, there's the question of opportunity for renewing the affair (or for a new one to develop). That is, if the partner who had the affair travels frequently, spends much of his time away from home, or in the company of individuals who aren't respectful of his marriage, there is enhanced opportunity for extramarital involvement. And third, the intentions of the former affair partner need to be considered. If she is at all still motivated to pursue the affair, extra vigilance on the part of both spouses will need to be exercised; for example, they may need to send a jointly written message that she is to have no further contact with the spouse who participated in the affair.

My response to couples who ask the "how long" question is that your intuition will guide you in this area. At some point, the betrayed spouse will begin to feel that he can relax in this area, that he doesn't need to monitor his wife's activities so closely. He will feel more comfortable relying on her to truthfully account for herself, and the time and energy spent in hypervigilance will begin to feel too costly. It's time to adopt a new baseline for communication and accountability and to get on with things.

Note: I always address with the couples the reality that the decision to trust again involves risk. The spouse who betrayed you once could betray you again. Keeping in touch with your spouse via cell phone doesn't guarantee that he is where he says he is or with whom he says he is. This is where your risk tolerance and risk aversion come into play.

The next step is REWRITING the narrative of your marriage to include the affair. Each of us has a "story" about our life that we tell ourselves and others. For example, "As a kid, I had asthma and couldn't play sports like the other kids". "I was a nerd in high school". "I was a jock and my world revolved around sports; I felt valued and valuable only when my team was winning". "I was painfully shy and had very few friends as I was growing up". "I was an only child and envied kids from large families". "I was the middle child and felt eclipsed by my first-born sibling and by the "baby" of the family--it was hard to get my parents' attention". "When my parents divorced, I was sure it was because of something I had done; ever since, I've worked very hard to be 'good' in relationships". And so on.

We also have stories about our marriages that include how we met, what we first thought and felt about each other, and milestones in the relationship (for example, our first argument, the first time we had sex, meeting our in-laws, our first "real" job, etc.). These stories are important narratives about who we are, choices we've made, obstacles we've overcome and those we still struggle with, and who we aspire to be, both individually and as a couple. For example, the guy who seemed like just a geek actually has an irresistible sense of humor. Or, you've struggled with self-esteem issues your whole life, and the girl you met in college makes you feel like there's nothing you can't do. Or, you only feel like you can interact with your wife's coworkers at a cocktail party when you've had a few drinks before leaving home. Or, you love your wife and children dearly, can't imagine a better partner, but you can't stop thinking about other women in sexual ways and wondering what it would be like to be with them.

When there has been an affair, these narratives--both those about ourselves as individuals and those about our marriage--need to be rewritten. The new narrative needs to incorporate the facts of the affair--who, what, when, where, and how. In other words, the narrative needs to account for who the affair partner was, how you met, and how you managed to conduct the affair. Most importantly, it needs to account for why. And this is the part that may take some time. Frequently, a betrayed spouse wants most of all to understand why the affair occurred. She may ask, "How could you do this to me? What was missing in our marriage? What did she have that I didn't? Why did you feel you had to go outside the marriage? The reality is that the participating partner may not initially understand what motivated him to engage in the affair.

This is some of the most difficult work in the therapeutic process--exploring why. In working with my clients, I usually frame the question in terms of "What made you vulnerable to an affair?" It's important to emphasize throughout the process of affair recovery that understanding and vulnerability are not a "pass". The spouse who had the affair must, from the outset, take responsibility for her actions. Nothing in a marriage ever justifies an affair. But understanding what was occurring in one's life, one's partner's life, and the condition of the marriage at the time is important for reconstructing the narrative and for making a future affair less likely.

So, the "why" question addresses issues such as how the participating partner was feeling about himself at the time (for example, was his career going well? did he feel physically attractive?); how was he feeling about his marriage and his family (did he feel loved and desired by his wife? did he feel connected emotionally to is kids, or were they totally involved in their own worlds of school, friends and extracurricular activities?); how was he feeling about his future (was he merely anticipating more of the same drudgery, or did he have a feeling of hopefulness and excitement about things to come?).

"Why" also looks into the qualities and the behaviors of the betrayed spouse before and when the affair commenced. For example, had he become obsessed with work or some outside activity? Had she seriously neglected her physical fitness and appearance after the children were born? It also examines the state of the marriage before and when the marriage began. Was the sexual part of the marriage vibrant and satisfying? Were you and your spouse able to communicate effectively about problems in the marriage and arrive at mutually acceptable solutions? Was there a sense of optimism about the future? Did you look forward to coming home at the end of the work day, or was work an escape from the routine and the antagonism of home life?

Doing the hard work of "why" is what allows couples to make sense of what is, to most, incomprehensible. We need a way to write into our individual and our couple narrative what few of us anticipate and from which we struggle to recover.

RENEWAL is in many ways an extension of rewriting the narrative of the marriage. When couples initially commit to each other, they generally have some sort of vision for the future, whether it's explicit or not. They may have talked about building a home on a mountaintop, sailing the Caribbean, raising six children, hiking the Appalachian Trail, working to improve literacy among inner-city children, founding their own software company and retiring by age forty. Whatever you can imagine, someone dreams it. The common denominator here is shared values, a jointly cherished vision for the future, and the desire and willingness to work together to make the dream a reality. In point of fact, the dream often remains just that--a dream. But it nevertheless functions as a common point on a couple's life horizon, a point which unifies them and keeps them focused on their life together and their commitment to each other.

When one of the members of the couple has engaged in an affair, this vision is threatened, if not outright destroyed. The participating partner's commitment to the vision, even to the future of the relationship, is in question. If the couple is able to navigate the earlier steps of the process--to deal with the depth of remorse, to recommit to a future together, to work out the specifics of rebuilding trust and security in the marriage, to understand their story as a couple and as individuals in a way that accounts for the affair and why it happened--then they will likely have the emotional energy and motivation to create a new vision for their future.

Here is the where the phrase "older, but wiser" is so very apropros. We begin our most intimate relationships with hopes and dreams. These guide us in our day to day activities, but are also impacted by unforeseen forces in the environment--individuals who come unexpectedly into our lives, the challenges of illness and financial reversal--the list goes on. While none of us plans to have to cope with the aftermath of an affair, the reality is that many of us will. We may be the participating partner, or we may be the betrayed spouse. The good news is that there are knowledgeable and skillful professionals to help guide you and your partner in the recovery process. If you are willing to commit yourself to honesty and effort in therapy, an affair does not have to spell the end of your marriage. Many couples have succeeded in building a new relationship, one grounded in transparency and rededication to a shared future.

The Perfect Couple

I'll never forget that day. The stay-at-home mom of an infant and a toddler, I was part of a small, but vital network of other moms in my neighborhood. We arranged play dates, trips to local parks, and other outings which were fun for our children and emotionally nourishing for us, all former professional women. It was also not uncommon for us to give each other a call and arrange something impromptu, or even occasionally drop by just to see if each others' children were awake and interested in companionship.

I settled my young daughters in their double stroller and headed down the street to a good friend's house. She was the mother of identical twin daughters. She and her husband were in many ways the envy of the neighborhood. They were our local "Ken and Barbie". Both were extremely attractive. Jen had carried her twins to full term and almost immediately regained her pre-pregnancy figure. Steve was an up and coming executive with a beverage distribution company. Their house was tastefully and expensively furnished, they both drove luxury cars, and they had an active social life. Jen had a sitter every Friday so she could shop, get a massage and manicure, whatever struck her fancy that day. They threw the best parties in the neighborhood. On top of it all, they were so NICE. It was infuriating. I could find nothing to dislike about them, except perhaps their apparent perfection.

We all know these folks, right? They're attractive and well-dressed. They've got great jobs and drive cool cars. They have a good house or apartment and have impeccable taste in their furnishings. If they have started their family, their children are adorable and, for the most part, well-behaved. They take interesting vacations. They get along so well. They're the perfect couple. And, without meaning to, they make the rest of us feel less than adequate. They seem to have it all together, to accomplish everything perfectly and effortlessly.

Well, here's the rest of the story of my perfect couple. I rang the doorbell that day and waited patiently. After all, I hadn't called ahead of time to let Jen know I'd be stopping by. Time passed and there was no reply. I rang the bell again and waited. Still no reply. This was before the advent of the ubiquitous cell phone, so I couldn't call Jen unless I headed back home. Finally, I began to knock on the door. Having been raised to be a "nice, polite girl", I didn't even consider peeking through the sidelights that framed the front door.

But when Jen didn't respond to either my knocks or the doorbell, I became very curious. I peered through the narrow window which looked into the expansive front hall, the kitchen and the breakfast room. I was shocked by the sight. The floor of the normally immaculate house was littered with toys, clothing, and household items, as far as the eye could see. The Jen I knew would never allow her house to be in such a condition, and would certainly never chance the neighbors seeing it like that.

As I surveyed the scene, I became alarmed that perhaps one of the children had been injured or suddenly fallen ill and Jen had rushed to the hospital. I looked through the windows of the garage and saw her car. Clearly, she hadn't gone anywhere. Now I was becoming outright scared. Perhaps she had passed out.

I turned the stroller around and headed back up the street to the home of another good friend, Marci. I told her what I had seen. She popped her young son into his stroller and we headed back to Jen's house. This time, I banged on the door with my fist and we both called her name at the top of our lungs. Nothing. I tried the front door. To my surprise, it opened. Now I was frankly terrified. Had someone broken into the house?

Without thinking, I marched into the house, Marci remaining on the doorstep with the children. I walked through the house, calling Jen's name. Again, nothing. This time, I opened the closets, fearing the worst. I entered Jen's and Steve's enormous master bedroom suite. My feeling of being an intruder was overriden by my fear for my friend and her daughters. I went so far as to open the frosted glass door which covered the tub and shower. Thankfully, no horrific sight greeted me.

After canvassing the house and the garage, including Jen's BMW, I joined Marci and the children on the doorstep. We decided we had no choice but to call Steve, who was out of town on business. We trudged back up the steep hill to Marci's house to look for Steve's office number. I kept the children, who were now becoming restless, occupied while Marci made the call. Marci left a message with Steve's administrative assistant and we waited. While the children played in the huge upstairs rec room, Marci and I sat solemnly, pondering what might have happened to Jen and the girls. Time dragged on.

Finally, the phone rang. It was Steve. I watched the expression on Marci's face change from one of grave concern to puzzlement to irritation. After saying goodbye to Steve, she put the phone down and turned to me, saying "You'll never believe this". Here's the rest of the story: Steve had headed to Orlando on business. While there, his schedule had changed and he ended up with a day with no appointments. On the spur of the moment, he called Jen and suggested she and the girls join him for a day at Disney World. She grabbed a few things for the three of them, called a cab, and headed to the airport. So, while Marci and I were fearing that Jen and her daughters had perhaps been kidnapped--or worse--the family was having a wonderful time in the Magic Kingdom, strolling down Main Street, getting Mickey's autograph, and enjoying the parades.

That day was an eye opener for me. I learned some important things about my dear friend, Jen. One was that, like all the rest of us with young children, after a while, cooking, cleaning, laundry, changing diapers, running errands, providing what we hoped was just the right amount of intellectual/social/emotional stimulation for our children, not to mention trying to have some sort of relationship with our husbands, catches up with you. Fatigue sets in and something has to give. Chaos seems to engulf the house and you're not sure how you'll ever restore order. The other, and perhaps more important lesson, was that Jen could so easily fail to anticipate that her friends would notice her absence and be very concerned about her; that she could dash off so quickly that she left her home in disarray and unsecured.

That day, I took Jen and Steve off the pedestal which they'd occupied in my mind. I still admired them for the way they seemed to make everything look so effortless. But I now knew something of their private lives, when they weren't on display. So, while nature may have graced them with good looks and intelligence, like the rest of us, they went about their own lives behind closed doors. And, when company was coming, so to speak, just like the proverbial duck, they were calm and collected on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath. The perfect couple was, after all, merely mortal.

The Good Wife

Yesterday was one of "those" days, fragmented and choppy. I felt like I didn't have time to fully devote myself to things that needed my attention. Patients in the morning, errands in the afternoon, and a dinner guest coming that night. The errands were what I resented. I wanted to catch up on paperwork, do some online research, and spend some time on my blog.

This feeling was by no means new to me. For years, I've somewhat begrudgingly run to the grocery, the bank, the drycleaner, etc. These little trips have always felt like distractions from some larger purpose in my life. They were annoyances--necessary to the running of a household, but nonetheless irritating. As I contemplated this old pattern and simultaneously fine tuned my "to do" list for the afternoon, I took a deep breath. I came to the realization that I do these things because this is what a "good wife" (and mother, during the years when I had children at home) does.

So, just what is a good wife, anyway? I immediately thought of the classic description in Proverbs 31:10-31. If you distill out the behaviors of the good wife, here are some of the things you find. The good wife:

Is trusted by her husband

Is honored and praised by her children

Is hardworking and sees to the economic well-being of her household

Is a good steward of her family's resources

Cares for those less fortunate

Behaves in such a way that her husband is honored in the community

Is wise

Is righteous

From this description, we get a picture of someone who exemplifies the religious principle of servanthood. Now, don't get the idea that a "servant" in this sense is someone who is self-defeating or even masochistic, who is into self-denial. No, servanthood merely implies a healthy recognition and honoring of the needs of others who depend on you. It implies a voluntary humbling of self and temporarily placing one's needs in a secondary position to those of the people who rely on us.

And servanthood has its own set of rewards, once you grasp the concept. Whatever delay of self-gratification is involved is more than offset by witnessing the positive effects of our efforts in the lives of others. So, for example, while spending time in the grocery may not be my favorite activity--and putting the groceries away once I arrive home most definitely is not!--I do enjoy cooking. And I very much enjoy serving my husband, who has also worked a long day, a meal which he enjoys and which nourishes both his body and his soul. I enjoy seeing him put on a freshly cleaned suit and head off to work looking professional and taking pride in his appearance. I know that makes a difference in how he functions and in how others react to him. And, occasionally, I like to surprise him at his office with hot coffee and a donut. There are days when he has back-to-back meetings and he can't get away even for a minute. His smile when he sees me at the office door is ample reward for me!

So, on those days when I get a little frustrated at the time it takes to run errands, time I feel might be better spent handling work-related matters, I remind myself that these are part of the rhythm of life, just as the work I love so much is. There is truly a time and a season for all things. When I go about my errands with a glad heart, I am more than rewarded by the appreciation of those I love and serve. And, as a bonus, I eventually return to my work feeling refreshed, renewed, and full of creative energy.

Finding Contentment at the Mall

I hate to admit it, but I used to be a mall walker. You know, one of those folks who don their athletic shoes and take over the mall early in the morning, often in packs. Well, I walked solo, but still felt the shame and stigma of being identified with those other folks. I should have been outside, pounding the pavement and sweating. But that was the whole point of mall walking. You don't have to sweat (unless you want to), the "pavement" is nice and even, no rocks, no potholes, no code orange air quality alerts, no dog poop to dodge. So, for me it served its purpose at the time.

The downside of mall walking was the emotional sterility of the environment. You see the same things in the store windows for weeks on end, you see the same people, and then there's that "mall aroma". You know what I mean. Next time you're in a mall, breathe deeply and try to figure out what you're smelling. Is it all that fabric from the clothing stores, or do the property managers, at the behest of the mall owners, actually pump something into the air in order to manipulate your behavior, in this case, buying something? Like in Las Vegas, where the air in casinos is supposedly artificially oxygenated in order to keep you alert, enhance the effects of alcohol, and keep you throwing your money at lady luck. Or maybe that's just an urban legend.

So, I'd walk the mall, trying to keep up a heart-healthy pace, all the while scrutinizing the offerings in the store windows. It was hard not to look at many of them and think, "Wow, that would look great for the company Christmas party"; "This would be perfect for New Year's Eve dinner with my husband at that intimate restaurant up in the mountains"; or "This blouse is just what I need for work; I can wear it with so many things." You know the kind of thinking when you're trying to rationalize a purchase.

So many choices. So many possibilities for transforming myself. Or so I thought. It quickly became overwhelming. I pondered the level of desire for new "stuff" that I experienced while walking. It also seemed that many of the stores rotated new merchandise on roughly a three-week schedule. So, I thought, I buy something that I can't live without today, and three weeks later, there's something new in the window. What's that all about? Do so-called fashion trends really change that rapidly?

Well, in case you're wondering, I always resisted the temptation to go shopping after my walk, when the stores had opened. But as I continued to think about the experience of being in a mall, it dawned on me in a very powerful way that the entire mission of the stores is to generate discontent. Discontent, that is, with what you currently have. The stores have the "cure" for that. Buy this dress and you'll feel sexy. Buy these overpriced jeans and you'll know without a doubt that you're cool. Buy this $700 handbag and everyone will know that you are living large.

So, the whole point is to make you unhappy with what you currently own, which, in the world of the mall, equates to what you are. To plant the seed that, if you just buy this thing or that, you'll be happier. Life will be good again. That is, until the merchandise in the storefronts changes again. Really thinking about this seemed to relieve me of a huge burden. I could, if I chose, continue walking in the mall without experiencing this artificial discontent. I was fine, just as I was, without the new dress, jeans, or handbag.

I am, however, still wondering about "mall air".

Rainy Night in Georgia

Well, I'm not sure whether it rained in Georgia last night or not, but it's raining today. I'm heading home to Georgia today, after spending three beautiful days celebrating my older daughter's birthday. As I pack up the car and search for the nearest Starbucks, I'm powerfully aware of how my heart--that is, my most intimate connections--resides in several places. My husband is traveling on business at the moment; one daughter lives on the west coast, one on the east coast; my stepson is in a rock band which is on the road (including Europe and Australia) most days of the year; my mother is in the southern Midwest; my sister is in Canada; my in-laws are in New England; and I have dear, dear friends who live in the Pacific Northwest, but who have been on a pilgrimage through India, Nepal, Sikkim, and Bhutan for the past couple of months.

Having my nearest and dearest scattered to the four corners of the earth can feel disconcerting at times. It's logistically impossible for all of us to gather together, even during the holidays. There are times when it would be easy to fall into despair about this. But that's so unproductive, doesn't solve the problem, and simply leaves me stuck with that frustration. So, for years now, I've decided that each opportunity to spend time (whether a week or a day) with my loved ones is a blessing and is to be honored as such. It's an opportunity to make new memories which can later be revisited during stressful or difficult times, memories which can soothe a temporarily troubled soul.

So, where does your heart reside? Do you gladly and joyfully give your heart to family and friends as they go about the business of their daily lives? I encourage you to give some thought to this today. As in so many areas of life, the more we give, the more we receive back. Can you find a way to give your loved ones your full blessing as they pursue their own lives and dreams? If so, you may be surprised at how this act of emotional generosity frees you up to pursue the life you are meant to live!

Laws of Attraction

Last time, we talked about a couple of factors that lead to attraction between people: exposure and proximity. We saw that repeated exposure to someone is likely to increase our positive feelings for that person, and that proximity, or being in the presence of someone, increases opportunities for exposure and interaction. In a future post, we'll look at how these factors operate in long-distance relationships and online relationships. But are there other forces that affect whether and how individuals are attracted to each other? The answer is a resounding "yes"! There are factors which have to do with the individuals themselves, and perhaps more importantly, with how those characteristics of both individuals mesh.

It probably comes as no surprise that similarity, in terms of personality, attitudes, values, and even demographic variables, such as socioeconomic status, tends to increase attraction. To be sure, there are some who find extremely dissimilar people fascinating and enticing, and relationships between "opposites" do sometimes endure and even thrive. By and large, however, we tend to fare much better with a partner who bears some resemblance to us in terms of personality traits (e.g., thrill-seeking, introversion), attitudes (e.g., political conservatism), and values (e.g., the importance of family, financial responsibility, etc.). A recent study revealed that, when people were searching for a committed relationship, they chose a partner high in similarity. However, if they were interested in a "fling", they were likely to select someone unlike themselves. So, many of us enjoy novelty in our short-term intimate relationships, but, over the long haul, extreme novelty may be experienced as unsettling in a comfortable, committed relationship.

Another obvious factor in attraction is reciprocal liking. Simply put, we tend to like those who like us. Most of us aren't particularly motivated to pursue a relationship with someone who dislikes, disdains, or is simply disinterested in us. In the process of developing a romantic relationship, one or both partners may occasionally "play hard to get", but this is not to be confused with genuine disinterest. It is actually a strategy designed to pique the interest of the object of one's desire. But it's important not to overdo this, as it often backfires! Too much of it can be misinterpreted as lack of interest. Or it can simply require too much effort, and the individual will likely move on to another potential partner who requires a bit less work.

There are a couple of more obscure, but nonetheless interesting, factors that may contribute to romantic attraction. The first is referred to as the "Romeo and Juliet" phenomenon. Those who know the details of this beloved story may be able to guess at the nature of this type of attraction. In the case of these young lovers, parental and family interference served to increase their love for each other. Attempts to keep them apart merely fanned the flames of their desire to be together, with tragic results. And then there is "fatal attraction", in which those very characteristics that initially intrigue and excite us eventually frighten or strongly disappoint us. For example, a woman may find herself drawn to a man who takes great interest in the smallest details of her life. He wants to be involved in her choice of friends and social activities and cares expresses interest in her wardrobe. Over time, however, she may discover that this "interest" actually signals a controlling and perhaps abusive personality.

What about the role that one's appearance plays in romantic attraction? Well, as you might imagine, it matters. There's a considerable body of research that shows that, in general, we tend to prefer attractive people. And, unfair as it may be, more attractive people are often given preferential treatment in job, educational, and social settings. There's a catch, however. Most of us believe it's actually possible to be too attractive! While we may not be consciously aware of this bias, studies indicate that we prefer people who are moderately versus extremely attractive. We seem to think that those who are at the far end of the attractiveness spectrum will either be extremely "high maintenance", personally shallow, or unwilling to commit to a relationship because they have so many romantic options. And finally, the matching hypothesis suggests that we tend to be drawn to others who would be considered to be approximately as attractive as we are. In the area of interpersonal attraction, our reach generally does not exceed our grasp! While we may fantasize about relationships with gorgeous women and extremely handsome men, in real life we seek out someone who is our attractiveness equal.

There's Something about Mary

..... and Jason and Stacy and Kevin and Jessica and Matt. The list is as long as there are names. As different as each of us is, there seems to be a "someone special" for almost everyone. What are the forces that draw us to that person and not someone else? In other words, what is attraction all about? In this and future posts, we'll look at some of the major factors that contribute to this interpersonal magnetism that results in the formation of intimate relationships.

Interpersonal attraction has been shown to be powerfully shaped by the forces of exposure and proximity. Much of the research on exposure has been conducted in university laboratory settings and has involved presenting experimental subjects with some new stimulus (for example, a melody), then measuring the subjects' liking of the stimulus after repeated presentations of it. Overall, liking for a neutral or a mildly positive stimulus tends to increase after we're exposed to it repeatedly.

Proximity refers to being close to or near someone or something. Research in this area has tended to use more naturalistic settings, such as classrooms and apartment complexes. Researchers have found that, in these settings, people generally prefer those with whom they are in closer contact (for example, a neighbor in the apartment next door versus one who lives on the floor below). Proximity clearly gives us repeated opportunities for interaction with or exposure to others.

Think about a work or school setting. As a new employee or student, you enter an office or classroom with little or no knowledge of your coworkers or fellow students. However, over time, you become more familiar with them through repeated interaction and sharing experiences. For example, in a semester-long course, you may engage in discussion regarding the subject of the course (for example, abnormal psychology). You may take part in study groups in preparation for exams. You may join with other students to work on a group project. In a work setting, likewise, you may work with other employees on a group task, perhaps requiring you to work after hours or even weekends. You may be required to travel together on business. If your office environment is high stress, you may gradually form emotional bonds related to its impact on your life and to managing that stress.

So, the more we're exposed to someone who has either neutral or mildly positive stimulus value (to be addressed in a future post) for us, the better we like him or her. And, obviously, proximity, or being near someone, as in a work or school setting, provides us with opportunities for repeated exposure. So, the more time we spend around someone, and the more experiences we share with them, the more likely we are to feel some sort of attraction to them.

Now, there are different varieties of attraction, to be sure. Some are related to a task to be completed, such as a term paper or a project at work. In this case, you may feel a degree of task or instrumental attraction to someone who could prove helpful in the completion of that project, perhaps because of their level of organization, writing skill, expert knowledge of a subject, etc. In the course of interacting with someone in a particular setting, whether work or recreational, you may find that you have much in common with that person, that you enjoy his or her sense of humor, or that you share certain basic values in life. This can become the basis for social attraction, which contributes to friendship and other non-romantic/sexual intimate relationships. And finally, you may find that, for a whole host of reasons, you are strongly attracted to someone in the romantic sense and that this feeling grows with new opportunities for interaction.

The next time you meet someone new, pay attention to how your feelings change over time as you spend more with that person. So, whatever it is about Mary, it's highly likely that being in close enough proximity to have repeated interactions with her will increase positive feelings for her!