"The Pile of Clothes"
In my professional life, I have a general adult psychotherapy practice. What this means is that I work only with people over 18 years of age; I treat issues ranging from depression to anxiety, to obsessive-compulsive disorder, to eating disorders, to posttraumatic stress disorder, sexual dysfunction, and more.
The bulk of my work falls in the category of "relationship issues". (My specialty is infidelity, but that's another story.) In other words, I do a lot of couples and marital therapy. Now, couples come into therapy with a vast range of concerns, but, after a certain amount of time together, husband and wife may simply become disgruntled with each other and their idiosyncracies. I sometimes call this the "pile of clothes" syndrome.
When we're just starting out in a relationship, we tend to be much more tolerant of someone's peculiarities and annoyances, whether it's being consistently late, being a finicky eater, or simply depositing one's "stuff" around the house. This can be piles of mail (I confess to a bit of this), or the proverbial "pile of clothes". I can't count the times I've heard from women "He just drops his clothes on the floor and they pile up for an entire week. He'll even just drop them right in front of the clothes hamper."
Well, there are different ways to respond to this irritant. One, of course, is to repeatedly complain to your spouse or partner. Clinical experience, however, suggests that this approach accomplishes very little. Your spouse may or may not change his behavior in response to your nagging--for a time. Another approach is to become the "clothes martyr". What this means is that you decide it's your job to manage the clothes pile, but you do it with deep and audible sighs, and you suffer largely in silence. Of course, you can always try the rational approach of explaining to your spouse why the clothes pile is a problem; but he or she may simply not agree that it is. It's not a problem to him. If it were, he'd likely do something about it.
Finally, one option is to reconsider what that pile of clothes signifies. Yes, it may be unsightly and may "spoil" your otherwise spotless and tidy house. Yes, it may signify to you that you haven't adequately "trained" your spouse. One other way to think about that mound of clothes is that it signifies something other than messiness or disregard for your feelings. As long as the pile is there--and continues to grow, within reasonable limits--your beloved is alive and well. He'll return home from work, change his clothes, and add to the pile. It's when you lose a loved one, whether through death or divorce, that the pile disappears forever. And that can be a very lonely way to live. So, some measure of acceptance of a spouse's foibles and annoying habits can help to orient us to what we really value in life and what we really don't want to lose.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
"Traditions"
A few years ago, after a serious health scare, my husband and I decided to cross off one of the items on our marital bucket list. We bought a motor home and determined to hit the road when our demanding schedules permitted, as we both work full time. This motor home still takes my breath away with its beautiful appointments and range of features. You could very comfortably live in it, if you became what's known in the RV community as "full timers".
I had never imagined myself as an RV type of person until we started putting ours to good use. We are fortunate to be within 20 minutes or so of a lake which offers lots of great opportunities for recreation and relaxation. On some of our earliest trips, I knitted scarves, made beaded and sterling earrings, read, and sometimes just studied the details of the surrounding forest from the comfort of my chair. My husband read, tied flies for fishing, and enjoyed an occasional cigar. We bobbed along the shore in our float tubes and discovered our dogs' extreme love of swimming. And, of course, we talked for hours on end.
After I signed my book contract ("The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity"), the early morning hours--when I relish solitude and silence--were devoted to writing. In fact, I'm writing this post while we're parked by a gorgeous lake in the North Georgia mountains. Our getaways are my perfect backdrop for contemplation and composition, before the activities of the day get underway.
About three years ago, we started making an annual pre-Thanksgiving trek with some dear friends to a North Georgia park graced with a spectacular waterfall and gorge. These folks live a mere 15 to 20 minutes from us, but ironically the demands and pace of everyday life seem to prevent us from getting together more than once every few months. Since that first trip together, we've made it a point to create a valued annual tradition.
We've explored other campgrounds, but the format for the weekend is pretty much the same. Time spent getting the RV ready to use, unpacking food, sheets and towels, and getting something defrosted for the evening's dinner. There's casual conversation as we go in and out of the motor home and see our neighbors similarly involved in their set-up tasks.
Finally, it's time to relax and spend time together. The men may enjoy a cigar and we may share some wine. Last night, as the sun was going down, we built a roaring fire in the campground firepit. The dogs surveyed nearby campers and their dogs. People occasionally stroll onto your site and ask about the dogs, or where you're from, or whether you've been to this campground before.
Dinner is usually served on the picnic table on one of the two sites. Lights are strung up, and the campground comes alive with the sounds of laughter, conversation, and music. Soon the smell of food grilling perfumes the air and mingles with the smoke of the campfires. After dinner and cleanup, we all return to our places around the campfire and devote ourselves fully to enjoying companionship and the break from our routines.
As traditions go, this annual trek is fairly simple--no plane or hotel reservations, no concerns about wardrobe (other than staying warm). But it's treasured and eagerly anticipated time together with some of our closest friends, and an invaluable reminder of what really matters in this life. Like the changing color of the leaves in the fall, it's a foretaste of the true meaning of Thanksgiving and our expressed gratitude for the blessings of love and friendship.
A few years ago, after a serious health scare, my husband and I decided to cross off one of the items on our marital bucket list. We bought a motor home and determined to hit the road when our demanding schedules permitted, as we both work full time. This motor home still takes my breath away with its beautiful appointments and range of features. You could very comfortably live in it, if you became what's known in the RV community as "full timers".
I had never imagined myself as an RV type of person until we started putting ours to good use. We are fortunate to be within 20 minutes or so of a lake which offers lots of great opportunities for recreation and relaxation. On some of our earliest trips, I knitted scarves, made beaded and sterling earrings, read, and sometimes just studied the details of the surrounding forest from the comfort of my chair. My husband read, tied flies for fishing, and enjoyed an occasional cigar. We bobbed along the shore in our float tubes and discovered our dogs' extreme love of swimming. And, of course, we talked for hours on end.
After I signed my book contract ("The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity"), the early morning hours--when I relish solitude and silence--were devoted to writing. In fact, I'm writing this post while we're parked by a gorgeous lake in the North Georgia mountains. Our getaways are my perfect backdrop for contemplation and composition, before the activities of the day get underway.
About three years ago, we started making an annual pre-Thanksgiving trek with some dear friends to a North Georgia park graced with a spectacular waterfall and gorge. These folks live a mere 15 to 20 minutes from us, but ironically the demands and pace of everyday life seem to prevent us from getting together more than once every few months. Since that first trip together, we've made it a point to create a valued annual tradition.
We've explored other campgrounds, but the format for the weekend is pretty much the same. Time spent getting the RV ready to use, unpacking food, sheets and towels, and getting something defrosted for the evening's dinner. There's casual conversation as we go in and out of the motor home and see our neighbors similarly involved in their set-up tasks.
Finally, it's time to relax and spend time together. The men may enjoy a cigar and we may share some wine. Last night, as the sun was going down, we built a roaring fire in the campground firepit. The dogs surveyed nearby campers and their dogs. People occasionally stroll onto your site and ask about the dogs, or where you're from, or whether you've been to this campground before.
Dinner is usually served on the picnic table on one of the two sites. Lights are strung up, and the campground comes alive with the sounds of laughter, conversation, and music. Soon the smell of food grilling perfumes the air and mingles with the smoke of the campfires. After dinner and cleanup, we all return to our places around the campfire and devote ourselves fully to enjoying companionship and the break from our routines.
As traditions go, this annual trek is fairly simple--no plane or hotel reservations, no concerns about wardrobe (other than staying warm). But it's treasured and eagerly anticipated time together with some of our closest friends, and an invaluable reminder of what really matters in this life. Like the changing color of the leaves in the fall, it's a foretaste of the true meaning of Thanksgiving and our expressed gratitude for the blessings of love and friendship.
"Why Have An Affair?"
"What kind of question is that?", you may ask. After all, we live in a society which endorses monogamy as the gold standard for adult intimate relationships. And most of us, at some point, exchange vows with another in which we promise to "forsake all others".
But the fact remains that, in spite of love for a partner and commitment to that person, many of us, somewhere along the line, get involved with a third party. It goes without saying that, for most betrayed individuals, knowledge of your spouse's extramarital relationship is devastating. As a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues and affair recovery, the word "devastated" is the one I hear most frequently as someone struggles with discovery of his or her spouse's infidelity.
In my book, "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" (Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Books), I address the complicated question of what drives someone to cheat on a spouse--whether the affair is sexual, emotional--or, as frequently happens, some combination of both. Let me say up front that those of us who study and treat infidelity use different categorizations for the factors that propel affairs. Roughly, I tend to break these factors down into opportunity, the culture in which we live and work, personality traits, and even characteristics of one's marriage. This last factor is a bit dicey, as an affair is never the "fault" of a betrayed spouse, and an unsatisfying marriage is never an excuse for an affair.
Opportunity can be something as simple as meeting someone while traveling on business and engaging in a "one-night stand, no strings attached". Of course, a mixed-sex workplace can also be rife with opportunities for developing relationships that violate appropriate professional boundaries. And, sadly, it's a fact that most affairs begin in the workplace.
The effects of culture on monogamy tend to operate on both the macro and the micro levels. On the macro level, the media bombards us with images of infidelity and news of one or another celebrity's or politician's affair. Movies and prime-time television are often themed around illicit relationships. On the micro level, family history and the habits and attitudes of one's cohorts can contribute to a propensity to engage in affairs. If dad or a brother has had an affair (or several), or if one's friends frequent strip clubs or engage in extramarital relationships, those behaviors can normalize the idea that "It's OK to get a little something on the side".
Certain personality types may also be predisposed to engage in affairs. For example, a narcissistic individual may feel entitled to extra attention, in both the sexual and emotional realms. And because narcissists tend to be lacking in empathy, they may also fail to see the impact of their extramarital behaviors on a spouse or partner. Another personality type that may be somewhat prone to engaging in an affair is the highly dependent individual. Particularly if they have doubts about a partner's opinion of them or value of them as a person, they may find an affair a way to validate their sense of self-worth, at least temporarily.
Finally, while it's important to reiterate that a troubled marriage never excuses an affair, especially in the age of no-fault divorce, an unsatisfying marriage can possibly make someone more vulnerable to looking for validation outside the marriage. This is a very complicated topic, to be addressed in a future post, but suffice it to say for now that someone can be ambivalent about his marriage. He will vigorously maintain in therapy that he loves his wife and certainly doesn't want to lose access to his children. But, with intense examination over time, he admits that something was lacking in his marriage and family life. Again, this is not an excuse for engaging in an affair, but it is reality.
On an added note, there are psychologists and sociologists who argue that, biologically speaking, we are not hard-wire for monogamy, and that our increasing lifespan actually compounds this propensity toward infidelity. These are fascinating topics which academics are currently researching and which hopefully will in time add perspective to the compelling subject of infidelity. These questions will also be addressed in future posts.
*My use of the pronouns "he" and "she" in no way implies that only one gender engage in a particular type of behavior. It's largely a literary device used to maintain balance, but also does, to some extent, reflect what I typically hear in my practice.
"What kind of question is that?", you may ask. After all, we live in a society which endorses monogamy as the gold standard for adult intimate relationships. And most of us, at some point, exchange vows with another in which we promise to "forsake all others".
But the fact remains that, in spite of love for a partner and commitment to that person, many of us, somewhere along the line, get involved with a third party. It goes without saying that, for most betrayed individuals, knowledge of your spouse's extramarital relationship is devastating. As a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues and affair recovery, the word "devastated" is the one I hear most frequently as someone struggles with discovery of his or her spouse's infidelity.
In my book, "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" (Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Books), I address the complicated question of what drives someone to cheat on a spouse--whether the affair is sexual, emotional--or, as frequently happens, some combination of both. Let me say up front that those of us who study and treat infidelity use different categorizations for the factors that propel affairs. Roughly, I tend to break these factors down into opportunity, the culture in which we live and work, personality traits, and even characteristics of one's marriage. This last factor is a bit dicey, as an affair is never the "fault" of a betrayed spouse, and an unsatisfying marriage is never an excuse for an affair.
Opportunity can be something as simple as meeting someone while traveling on business and engaging in a "one-night stand, no strings attached". Of course, a mixed-sex workplace can also be rife with opportunities for developing relationships that violate appropriate professional boundaries. And, sadly, it's a fact that most affairs begin in the workplace.
The effects of culture on monogamy tend to operate on both the macro and the micro levels. On the macro level, the media bombards us with images of infidelity and news of one or another celebrity's or politician's affair. Movies and prime-time television are often themed around illicit relationships. On the micro level, family history and the habits and attitudes of one's cohorts can contribute to a propensity to engage in affairs. If dad or a brother has had an affair (or several), or if one's friends frequent strip clubs or engage in extramarital relationships, those behaviors can normalize the idea that "It's OK to get a little something on the side".
Certain personality types may also be predisposed to engage in affairs. For example, a narcissistic individual may feel entitled to extra attention, in both the sexual and emotional realms. And because narcissists tend to be lacking in empathy, they may also fail to see the impact of their extramarital behaviors on a spouse or partner. Another personality type that may be somewhat prone to engaging in an affair is the highly dependent individual. Particularly if they have doubts about a partner's opinion of them or value of them as a person, they may find an affair a way to validate their sense of self-worth, at least temporarily.
Finally, while it's important to reiterate that a troubled marriage never excuses an affair, especially in the age of no-fault divorce, an unsatisfying marriage can possibly make someone more vulnerable to looking for validation outside the marriage. This is a very complicated topic, to be addressed in a future post, but suffice it to say for now that someone can be ambivalent about his marriage. He will vigorously maintain in therapy that he loves his wife and certainly doesn't want to lose access to his children. But, with intense examination over time, he admits that something was lacking in his marriage and family life. Again, this is not an excuse for engaging in an affair, but it is reality.
On an added note, there are psychologists and sociologists who argue that, biologically speaking, we are not hard-wire for monogamy, and that our increasing lifespan actually compounds this propensity toward infidelity. These are fascinating topics which academics are currently researching and which hopefully will in time add perspective to the compelling subject of infidelity. These questions will also be addressed in future posts.
*My use of the pronouns "he" and "she" in no way implies that only one gender engage in a particular type of behavior. It's largely a literary device used to maintain balance, but also does, to some extent, reflect what I typically hear in my practice.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
"Your Lover's Past"
A dear friend recently asked whether it was appropriate to ask about his partner's past romantic involvements. I asked him to give me a bit of time to ponder that question, as it's somewhat tricky. I've seen couples come to grief with each other because they refused to share information, or because they did, and it turned out the partner couldn't handle what they learned.
It's perfectly natural to be curious about other people our partners have been involved with. We wonder about the nature of those relationships. Were they sexual? If so, how did they compare to what we do with our partner now? How emotionally committed were they? What was the nature of the attraction, and what brought about the end of the relationship? Our curiosity knows no bounds when it comes to wanting to understand our partners.
Some couples are quite open in this area, and readily share information about past relationships. On the other hand, I have had couples come into marital therapy and reveal previous marriages that a current spouse had no clue about. Needless to say, the future of that marriage rests on shaky ground. After all, the foundation of a secure and satisfying marriage/relationship is trust. To learn that your spouse or partner has had one or more committed relationships that were never revealed to you undermines that trust.
Think carefully about what you want or need to know. Clearly, if your partner has been married before, you probably need to know the circumstances surrounding those relationships and the divorces that ended the marriages. Was there physical or extreme emotional abuse involved? You also need to be aware of arrangements made regarding minor children, visitation, and asset division. These issues can affect you directly, and so you should have no hesitation having honest and detailed conversations with your partner about them.
But how much do you need to know regarding your partner's sex life, for example, with a previous spouse? Do you need to know how often they had sex and what activities they engaged in? What do you need to know about their shared interests and how much time they spent pursuing them? There is no single formula regarding these questions. You and your partner need to jointly decide what you want to share, and how the shared information might enhance or damage your relationship.
For instance, how much do you need to know about the threesome your husband had during a frat party? How do the images of that night benefit you and your marriage now? After all, you didn't even know him at that time. And how does it enhance your marriage for your husband to have details about boys you attended your proms and other events with during high school?
Unless we are currently in relationships that began during or shortly after high school, the likelihood is that we've had some sort of relationship with one or more other people during our adult lives. This is especially true if either of us has been married before. The challenge becomes accepting that our partner was an adult who had a life before they met and committed to us, and that their history isn't a threat to us, but rather part of their life narrative.
A dear friend recently asked whether it was appropriate to ask about his partner's past romantic involvements. I asked him to give me a bit of time to ponder that question, as it's somewhat tricky. I've seen couples come to grief with each other because they refused to share information, or because they did, and it turned out the partner couldn't handle what they learned.
It's perfectly natural to be curious about other people our partners have been involved with. We wonder about the nature of those relationships. Were they sexual? If so, how did they compare to what we do with our partner now? How emotionally committed were they? What was the nature of the attraction, and what brought about the end of the relationship? Our curiosity knows no bounds when it comes to wanting to understand our partners.
Some couples are quite open in this area, and readily share information about past relationships. On the other hand, I have had couples come into marital therapy and reveal previous marriages that a current spouse had no clue about. Needless to say, the future of that marriage rests on shaky ground. After all, the foundation of a secure and satisfying marriage/relationship is trust. To learn that your spouse or partner has had one or more committed relationships that were never revealed to you undermines that trust.
Think carefully about what you want or need to know. Clearly, if your partner has been married before, you probably need to know the circumstances surrounding those relationships and the divorces that ended the marriages. Was there physical or extreme emotional abuse involved? You also need to be aware of arrangements made regarding minor children, visitation, and asset division. These issues can affect you directly, and so you should have no hesitation having honest and detailed conversations with your partner about them.
But how much do you need to know regarding your partner's sex life, for example, with a previous spouse? Do you need to know how often they had sex and what activities they engaged in? What do you need to know about their shared interests and how much time they spent pursuing them? There is no single formula regarding these questions. You and your partner need to jointly decide what you want to share, and how the shared information might enhance or damage your relationship.
For instance, how much do you need to know about the threesome your husband had during a frat party? How do the images of that night benefit you and your marriage now? After all, you didn't even know him at that time. And how does it enhance your marriage for your husband to have details about boys you attended your proms and other events with during high school?
Unless we are currently in relationships that began during or shortly after high school, the likelihood is that we've had some sort of relationship with one or more other people during our adult lives. This is especially true if either of us has been married before. The challenge becomes accepting that our partner was an adult who had a life before they met and committed to us, and that their history isn't a threat to us, but rather part of their life narrative.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Loss Compounded
At some point, we all experience it--the loss of a family member or a dear friend. While the relationships were different and the sense of loss is never the same, what is constant is the hole that the loss creates in our lives and our hearts. A relative, a beloved friend, a long-time valued coworker is gone. Unless someone has held a similar relationship status to the departed (e.g., a sibling, another coworker), it may be difficult for others to deeply empathize with your intense pain and bewilderment about your loss.
At such times, typically family and friends rally around us and support us with words of comfort and tangible expressions of caring. How many times do we hear "I'm so sorry for your loss" and how many casseroles are dropped off at our homes? This may continue for two to three weeks, sometimes a bit longer. Then, gradually, the phone calls and the visits taper off. While it may not explicitly be said, we're expected to "get back to normal". This is to a large extent for the benefit of those around us. We may, for some indeterminate period of time, continue to have days where we feel we can't possibly function. But others don't want to get so mired in our pain and misery that they can't function, either.
This can feel like people have stopped caring. To some extent, this is true. Your loss is not their loss, and their primary connection to the deceased may be you. They may not have been close to the person who passed away, but they're close to you. You will continue to struggle with the range of feelings the death engendered in you--shock, deep sorrow, abandonment, even anger at the deceased for leaving us. When working with bereaved clients, I often get questions about the "normal" course of grief. "Am I crazy for feeling this way?" "How long will I feel this way?" "Is this normal?" The answer to this last question, to be addressed in a future post, is that, when it comes to grief, there really is no "normal".
These feelings, coupled with the gradual withdrawal of support from those in our social network, can result in what I call a "compound loss". You've not only lost someone who played an important emotional role in your life, but, over time, the support and expressions of concern from others begin to dwindle. At this point, it may be useful to locate a psychologist or other mental health professional who can offer an objective, value-neutral setting in which to air your feelings about your loss and the level of support which you've received from those closest to you. This kind of relationship can provide the opportunity to process your loss and its impact on you, without the pressure of needing to "get over it" within a certain time frame.
At some point, we all experience it--the loss of a family member or a dear friend. While the relationships were different and the sense of loss is never the same, what is constant is the hole that the loss creates in our lives and our hearts. A relative, a beloved friend, a long-time valued coworker is gone. Unless someone has held a similar relationship status to the departed (e.g., a sibling, another coworker), it may be difficult for others to deeply empathize with your intense pain and bewilderment about your loss.
At such times, typically family and friends rally around us and support us with words of comfort and tangible expressions of caring. How many times do we hear "I'm so sorry for your loss" and how many casseroles are dropped off at our homes? This may continue for two to three weeks, sometimes a bit longer. Then, gradually, the phone calls and the visits taper off. While it may not explicitly be said, we're expected to "get back to normal". This is to a large extent for the benefit of those around us. We may, for some indeterminate period of time, continue to have days where we feel we can't possibly function. But others don't want to get so mired in our pain and misery that they can't function, either.
This can feel like people have stopped caring. To some extent, this is true. Your loss is not their loss, and their primary connection to the deceased may be you. They may not have been close to the person who passed away, but they're close to you. You will continue to struggle with the range of feelings the death engendered in you--shock, deep sorrow, abandonment, even anger at the deceased for leaving us. When working with bereaved clients, I often get questions about the "normal" course of grief. "Am I crazy for feeling this way?" "How long will I feel this way?" "Is this normal?" The answer to this last question, to be addressed in a future post, is that, when it comes to grief, there really is no "normal".
These feelings, coupled with the gradual withdrawal of support from those in our social network, can result in what I call a "compound loss". You've not only lost someone who played an important emotional role in your life, but, over time, the support and expressions of concern from others begin to dwindle. At this point, it may be useful to locate a psychologist or other mental health professional who can offer an objective, value-neutral setting in which to air your feelings about your loss and the level of support which you've received from those closest to you. This kind of relationship can provide the opportunity to process your loss and its impact on you, without the pressure of needing to "get over it" within a certain time frame.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The Infidelity Script
"The Infidelity Script"
Sadly, all too many of us find ourselves actors in this drama. Something alerts us to the fact that a spouse has been unfaithful. It can be almost anything, from a whiff of perfume that you don't recognize; credit card receipts for dinners or hotel stays you never enjoyed; jewelry or clothing that you never received; or changes in customary patterns of behavior that suggest that something's not quite right.
At first, you're likely to feel extremely confused, perhaps you even doubt your own sanity and assume you're just imagining things. After all, your spouse would never do that to you and your family. The sad reality is that many of our spouses do just that. Reliable statistics are very hard to come by, as people are reluctant to admit to betraying their marital vows. But, some of the best numbers suggest that between 40% and 60% of men and at least 40% of women in first marriages will engage in affairs.
Disclosure of an affair can happen in any number of ways. Occasionally, a spouse will simply come forward--whether out of guilt or fear of being caught--and admit to an extramarital affair. More likely, however, a guilty spouse is confronted about an affair and denies it initially. Eventually, after being presented with sufficient evidence about his or her behavior, the spouse who had the affair will admit to something. The admission, however, may only be partial and may be a distortion of what really transpired.
This is the point at which spouses may end up repeatedly contending with each other over versions of the truth. The spouse who had the affair may still be engaged in protecting himself/herself or an affair partner, while the betrayed spouse may feel in his or her "gut" that there is much more to be uncovered. The parallel processes of denial or "damage containment", and attempting to discover ever more of the truth, can go on for months.
Eventually, a couple reaches a place where they need to make a decision. They'll either part ways over the affair, they'll work to build a stronger marriage, or they'll live in emotional limbo, where nothing is ever resolved. Arriving at a decision can, in and of itself, take time. The betrayed spouse may feel such raw, searing pain that she isn't sure she can put any effort into the marriage. And the spouse who had the affair may become impatient and want to "just get on with it".
When a couple decides to work on the marriage, there's no denying that they're in for a bumpy road. There will be glimmers of hope, followed by setbacks that lead the betrayed spouse to think that any "progress" the couple made was merely an illusion. But that's the typical course of affair recovery--two steps forward and one step back, for a while. But the promising news is that they're still one foot ahead of where they were before.
Strange as it may sound, in my clinical practice, I've seen couples, while scarred by an affair, come through it stronger, closer, and much better friends than before. So, for those of you who are stinging from a spouse's infidelity, there is hope.
Sadly, all too many of us find ourselves actors in this drama. Something alerts us to the fact that a spouse has been unfaithful. It can be almost anything, from a whiff of perfume that you don't recognize; credit card receipts for dinners or hotel stays you never enjoyed; jewelry or clothing that you never received; or changes in customary patterns of behavior that suggest that something's not quite right.
At first, you're likely to feel extremely confused, perhaps you even doubt your own sanity and assume you're just imagining things. After all, your spouse would never do that to you and your family. The sad reality is that many of our spouses do just that. Reliable statistics are very hard to come by, as people are reluctant to admit to betraying their marital vows. But, some of the best numbers suggest that between 40% and 60% of men and at least 40% of women in first marriages will engage in affairs.
Disclosure of an affair can happen in any number of ways. Occasionally, a spouse will simply come forward--whether out of guilt or fear of being caught--and admit to an extramarital affair. More likely, however, a guilty spouse is confronted about an affair and denies it initially. Eventually, after being presented with sufficient evidence about his or her behavior, the spouse who had the affair will admit to something. The admission, however, may only be partial and may be a distortion of what really transpired.
This is the point at which spouses may end up repeatedly contending with each other over versions of the truth. The spouse who had the affair may still be engaged in protecting himself/herself or an affair partner, while the betrayed spouse may feel in his or her "gut" that there is much more to be uncovered. The parallel processes of denial or "damage containment", and attempting to discover ever more of the truth, can go on for months.
Eventually, a couple reaches a place where they need to make a decision. They'll either part ways over the affair, they'll work to build a stronger marriage, or they'll live in emotional limbo, where nothing is ever resolved. Arriving at a decision can, in and of itself, take time. The betrayed spouse may feel such raw, searing pain that she isn't sure she can put any effort into the marriage. And the spouse who had the affair may become impatient and want to "just get on with it".
When a couple decides to work on the marriage, there's no denying that they're in for a bumpy road. There will be glimmers of hope, followed by setbacks that lead the betrayed spouse to think that any "progress" the couple made was merely an illusion. But that's the typical course of affair recovery--two steps forward and one step back, for a while. But the promising news is that they're still one foot ahead of where they were before.
Strange as it may sound, in my clinical practice, I've seen couples, while scarred by an affair, come through it stronger, closer, and much better friends than before. So, for those of you who are stinging from a spouse's infidelity, there is hope.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Fantasy: Your Safety Net
In my clinical practice, I do a great deal of work with individuals who struggle with sexual issues. They may have had an affair, or they may have imagined having one, perhaps with someone at work, a neighbor, or even an in-law. As you can imagine, there is often a great deal of guilt associated with these thoughts.
Of course, such thoughts are what we usually refer to as "fantasy". Just the mention of "fantasy", however, is enough to fill make many people with feelings of anxiety and guilt. It's as if they had already acted upon the promptings of their imagination. For instance, a patient may come into therapy and confess that he's obsessed with a female coworker. When he and his wife make love, he's actually imagining having sex with the other woman. And, consequently, he's consumed with guilt, as if he has betrayed his wife with a real-life physical and emotional relationship.
Now this is a tricky topic. And people will disagree on whether or not this kind of behavior constitutes betrayal. One of my rules of thumb for which types of fantasies are "safe" and which can be potentially damaging to a marriage or committed relationship is how much access you have to the object of your fantasy in real life. If you're imagining being with Angelina Jolie or Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt or Kim Kardashian, then you're on relatively safe ground. For virtually all of us, the likelihood that we'll even meet these people, let alone become romantically involved with them, is close to zero. These fantasies, however, can actually help couples through rather stale periods in their marriage. The fantasy of being attractive to and desired by a celebrity can maintain a sense of vitality and interest.
On the other hand, if you're fantasizing repeatedly about someone with whom you're in close contact--a coworker, a neighbor, someone you play on an office sports team with, someone with whom you volunteer for a charitable cause--you could be in dangerous territory. After all, you have real and repeated opportunities for deepening relationships with these people. You can begin taking lunches with coworkers more frequently; you can sign on for extra projects with someone who's part of a charitable organization; you can look for opportunities to interact more frequently with a neighbor, and so on.
And, then, of course, there are our day-time non-sexual fantasies. These fantasies tend to revolve around issues of achievement, self-esteem, and self-worth. They may have to do with professional accomplishments and how we're valued by our peers. For instance, do we see ourselves as perhaps doing our bosses' job better than he or she does? Such fantasies can inspire us to improve our performance in our own spheres of employment.
And so, fantasy is a vast emotional terrain that allows us to explore possibilities in different aspects of our lives. We can play out different roles and with different people. It's important to consider the extent to which sharing fantasies (with anyone but your therapist!) is appropriate, as that can be either threatening or enhancing to a relationship. The risk of sharing fantasies, however, is a subject for another time.
Of course, such thoughts are what we usually refer to as "fantasy". Just the mention of "fantasy", however, is enough to fill make many people with feelings of anxiety and guilt. It's as if they had already acted upon the promptings of their imagination. For instance, a patient may come into therapy and confess that he's obsessed with a female coworker. When he and his wife make love, he's actually imagining having sex with the other woman. And, consequently, he's consumed with guilt, as if he has betrayed his wife with a real-life physical and emotional relationship.
Now this is a tricky topic. And people will disagree on whether or not this kind of behavior constitutes betrayal. One of my rules of thumb for which types of fantasies are "safe" and which can be potentially damaging to a marriage or committed relationship is how much access you have to the object of your fantasy in real life. If you're imagining being with Angelina Jolie or Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt or Kim Kardashian, then you're on relatively safe ground. For virtually all of us, the likelihood that we'll even meet these people, let alone become romantically involved with them, is close to zero. These fantasies, however, can actually help couples through rather stale periods in their marriage. The fantasy of being attractive to and desired by a celebrity can maintain a sense of vitality and interest.
On the other hand, if you're fantasizing repeatedly about someone with whom you're in close contact--a coworker, a neighbor, someone you play on an office sports team with, someone with whom you volunteer for a charitable cause--you could be in dangerous territory. After all, you have real and repeated opportunities for deepening relationships with these people. You can begin taking lunches with coworkers more frequently; you can sign on for extra projects with someone who's part of a charitable organization; you can look for opportunities to interact more frequently with a neighbor, and so on.
And, then, of course, there are our day-time non-sexual fantasies. These fantasies tend to revolve around issues of achievement, self-esteem, and self-worth. They may have to do with professional accomplishments and how we're valued by our peers. For instance, do we see ourselves as perhaps doing our bosses' job better than he or she does? Such fantasies can inspire us to improve our performance in our own spheres of employment.
And so, fantasy is a vast emotional terrain that allows us to explore possibilities in different aspects of our lives. We can play out different roles and with different people. It's important to consider the extent to which sharing fantasies (with anyone but your therapist!) is appropriate, as that can be either threatening or enhancing to a relationship. The risk of sharing fantasies, however, is a subject for another time.
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